Season 3 Episode 18
Airdate: May 1, 2012
Porpoise of Life Name: Cooter Beats Coach Beiste
Lesson of the Week: Domestic violins
Rachel prepares for NYADA.
Coach Beiste comes to school a black eye. Santana makes a crack that Cooter, her husband of equal size, went Chris Brown on her and other girls laugh. Santana CHOKED on being funny, because that Roz swim coach scary woman tells them it is inappropriate to joke about abuse and then insults all of their races. I think that’s sending a mixed message. She doesn’t know their names, so here is what she calls each girl:
Brittany: Hat Rack
Tina: Asian Horror Movie
Mercedes: Little Oprah
Sugar: Rojo Caliente
Santana: Salsa Caliente
Beiste assures them that Cooter did not hit her. She was working out and a weight bag CHOKED her in the eye. Still, Sue, Roz and Beiste are going to teach the girls about violence against vaginas. Despite being the guidance counselor, they wisely do not include Emma, as she is useless. Will is outraged that the girls would joke about such a thing because he is wildly inconsistent and disapproves of everyone but Rachel.
Finn is concerned that Puck may not graduate. Puck says not to worry, all he has left to pass is a European geography test and his plan is to have sex with the teacher. No, that’s really his plan. In the episode. It’s not my joke. It’s how he passed the 5th grade, after all.
But after the teacher rejects his advances, (Puck CHOKED on sexing her up) he busts out to Alice Cooper’s “School’s Out”. After a whole episode of Whitney Houston, this was great. It’s also great to think of all the 14-year-old metal heads who are super pissed that Alice Cooper sold out. “When I was 9, Alice Cooper had integrity!”
Kurt and Rachel have to audition for NYADA. I thought Kurt was already accepted into NYADA. Rachel and Kurt talk about some song from a play that Kurt wants to sing for his audition. I have no idea what they are talking about. I CHOKED trying to follow their gay conversation. I heard them mention Hugh Jackman, so I assume they were discussing Wolverine: The Musical.
The girls (minus Rachel because they don’t like her, also Quinn who seems to have been neglected to be written into this episode) have to perform a song about empowering women who have been abused. So they do a song from Chicago. I finally saw that movie back in January and enjoyed it. Corruption in Chicago is such a timeless institution that a musical produced in 1975 about a true event from 1924 is still relevant enough today to have been made into a hit movie in 2002. But the girls CHOKED on learning the lesson. Sue, Beiste, and Roz berate them for missing the point, because the song is about killing a man, not about being a strong woman. I think every song that is about a woman being abused is also about killing the abuser. I expected the girls to sing “Goodbye Earl” by the Dixie Chicks, which is the song I played at my viewing party for the final episode of My Name is Earl.
Beiste has to leave the room. She confesses to Sue and Roz that Cooter DID hit her. Because she didn’t do the dishes and he had been drinking. Sue tells her to get out of that house and even offers to let her stay with her, but Beiste CHOKES on mustering the courage, crying, “I don’t think anyone else is ever going to love me.” Oh no, don’t do this. Glee is not a nearly a good enough show to tackle a serious topic of this magnitude. Please stop it now. You will fail at the message you are trying to present.
Puck is cleaning a pool and talking about how he is going to drop out of school because he will CHOKE on graduating, when he hears a voice he hasn’t heard it years.
Onto the other boys. Finn has devised a plan to jump Puck and force him to be tutored. It involves all the boys getting into strategic positions around a pool while Artie rolls into it to get his attention. Finn’s plan CHOKES. I only approve of the Artie part.
That’s when Puck enters the room. “Just saw my dad,” he says. “I haven’t seen him in five years.” Puck gave him $500 so he’d leave. That was the money he needed to move to L.A. His dad dropped out of high school and became a loser and Puck doesn’t want to CHOKE like him. Puck has to graduate and only has one month to make it happen!
It’s time for Kurt and Rachel’s audition. Whoopi Goldberg will be judging them. She starred in two Sister Acts, so who better? Sister Act 3 was pretty bad; it totally CHOKED. Though Goldberg had nothing to do with that one. It was direct-to-video and starred that girl who was kicked off Destiny’s Child. Don’t even get me started on Sister Act 4: Vatican Vacation.
Instead of Wolverine: The Musical, Kurt makes a bold last minute change and performs a song from Gambit: The Musical. It’s a risky move. That play that has only ever been performed in underground theaters in Hungary because it’s just a man dressed as Gambit having sex with multiple woman on stage for three hours and then CHOKING off for the closing scene. Gambit is the most awesome X-Men ever. I was pissed when he wasn’t in the X-Men trilogy, but if he were, he’d have made Wolverine look like even more of a bitch than Wolverine made Cyclops. “What, Jean Grey has become Phoenix and gone insane? No biggie. I’ll just strut up behind her, stick my dick in her butt and she’ll be cured. Move over badger man, I’m Gambit.”
Kurt is accepted into NYADA.
Rachel’s audition is next. She starts to sing the Barbara Streisand song she sang previously at Sectionals in season 1 but CHOKES at the word “butter”. She was probably thinking about butter. Whoopi Goldberg does not let her into NYADA. “I wear sneakers on The View,” she says and walks away.
The glee boys (minus Kurt whose membership is questionable) help tutor Puck on geography. They sing a punk rock version of “The Rain in Spain”. They should have sung Month Python’s song about Finland. Punk CHOKES, it’s the most overrated form of music ever, but novelty songs are eternal.
Sue is disappointed that Beiste did not stay the night with her, but Beiste says she is all right and moved in with her sister. Beiste then confesses to the girls that her husband hit her. “Nobody knows what goes on behind closed doors,” Beiste tells the kids. Glee is branching out from failing to teach lessons to teenagers to failing to teach lessons to middle-aged women. Way to CHOKE. Remember when Glee sort of made fun of after school specials and it now trying to be a genuine after school special?
Puck gets an F on his test. The first question he CHOKED on was the capital of Austria-Hungary. (It’s Vienna!) Don’t even get me started on the Austro-Hungarian Empire. Talk about the most overrated empire ever. Look at it. That’s not an empire. Owning Yugoslavia, Czechoslovakia and part of Poland does not make you an empire, asshole. That’s, like, half the size of Mexico. Oh, I forgot, you also have Transylvania. Way to go retards, it’s full of vampires. Oh well, that’s YOUR problem not MINE!
The glee girls sing a song I have never heard before by a band I have never heard of to Beiste. This is where we see that Beiste lied about leaving Cooter. She is still with him. She CHOKED on leaving. Will this become a new storyline? Let’s hope. Because the best part of shows set in high school are the plots about adults. 🙁 so you know I am being sarcastic!
Beiste was better on Lizzie McGuire. It was a better show. The Glee writers CHOKED on this episode.
Finn comforts Rachel and lets her know that not having talent isn’t the worst thing in the world. He has no talent yet is the leader of glee club.
Oh lord, a worse episode than “I Kissed a Girl”. This was even shittier than “On My Way”, which I would rather be on the rooftop of the World Trade Center on the morning of 9/11 than watch again. Here is what smart people had to say:
[Y]ou can’t constantly make wacky jokes at the expense of fat people, disabled people, immigrants, people of color, women and gay people and then suddenly come down hard on one arbitrary type of risky joke each week. I’m all about edgy progressive offensive humor that shocks and discomforts people, but executing such things consistently requires better artists than the ones making this show.
The problem is that Glee has bought into the myth of its own importance so thoroughly that it thinks raising an issue, then explaining what you should do in that situation, then going off to have Puck draw awesome rocker demons on his history final, is an adequate way to discuss serious topics. The show’s been doing this since the second season, but it’s grown even more pronounced this season. The series sees itself as a force for good in the world—and, yeah, if this episode helps one woman get out of an abusive relationship, that’s a good thing. But that doesn’t make the show good art or even good crappy television. It makes it painfully, woefully obvious art and crappy television.
Best Musical Performance: “School’s Out” – Alice Cooper. Performed by Puck
Sugar’s Best Outfit: