Glee: 3.20 & 21 “Props” & “Nationals”

Season 3 Episodes 20 & 21
Airdate: May 15, 2012

“Props” aired the same night as “Nationals” as part a two-episode event. I call it Glee: The Movie. It’s like how Walker, Texas Ranger used to do TV movies back when networks still did made-for-TV movies. Walker and Glee are equally as logical.

Far from being the embarrassment Sue predicted, gender-all encompassing Unique has gotten a lot of positive press for Vocal Adrenaline, which could give them an advantage at Nationals.

Kurt is too pretty to be Snooki

Kurt is too pretty to be Snooki

Sue says that New Directions must respond by putting Kurt in a flapper dress and calling him Porcelaina. Kurt is against this, saying that just because he is gay does not mean he likes to wear women’s clothing. Even though he has worn women’s clothing many times over the course of this series,  including every episode of the first season. Mercedes points out that he dressed as Snooki for Halloween, but that’s not really going in drag, that’s more like going as the Italian version of Chewbacca.

Rachel sings something. She also left 14 messages on Whoopi Goldberg’s phone begging her for another chance to audition after she CHOKED. She invites Goldberg to watch her performance at Nationals. I bet Whoopi will be there because anything is better than being in a room with Sherri Shepard.

Yes, it’s time for the glee club to plan for Nationals, because it’s this week. One of their songs will be “Paradise by the Dashboard Light”. Fuck yeah! Another song will be “What a Feeling” from Flashdance. I always get that confused Striptease, even though it’s totally different. I do that a lot with ’80s movies that aren’t Star Wars based. Like, my brains combines every movie Molly Ringwald has been into one film about whiny teenagers. I also cross Dirty Dancing with Footloose and think there is a movie where Patrick Swayze romances Kevin Bacon with dance.

Rachel will sing lead, of course. This is when Tina actually says something. It’s her, like, second line this whole season. “I’m a human prop and I’m sick of it!” she yells. She is angry that Rachel always gets the attention. The writers finally realized that they haven’t done anything with Tina for two seasons and are rushing to make up for it now.

Tina is all flustered and falls into a fountain in the mall. Kurt and Blaine are there to help her out, but they are now Puck and Finn! And Tina look likes Margaret Cho. Tina is now Rachel and Rachel is now Tina. Every one has switched places with someone else. The cool kids are lame and the lame kids are cool. And Artie is possibly a girl. Tina has fallen into the Glee Mirror Universe! At the bottom of the mall fountain was some sort of portal. Here is how this universe operates:

Artie Blaine Brittany
Finn Joe Kirk
Kurt Mercedes Mike
Puck Quinn Rachel
Rory Sam Santana
Spock Sue Sugar
Tina Uhura Will

You will quickly realize how typecast all these actors will be once they leave Glee, because none of them can play a different personality type well. It’s mean to say, but Chris Colfer trying to act straight makes me laugh. Cory Monteith just trying to act makes me sad. You should have never left that beet farm in Canada, dude.

Tina finds herself at the center of Mirror Universe glee club as the star who will lead them in Nationals. She sings a fucking Celine Dion song. The internet tells me this has been Tina’s first solo since “A Night of Neglect”, an episode I never recapped and don’t even remember. That was 25 episodes ago. The problem for her is that the show keeps adding supporting characters: Sugar, Sam, Irish, Joe, Bieste, and Unique, who all end up getting more screen time then her.

Tina loves being the Rachel of the Mirror Universe, but unlike Real Universe Rachel, takes the time to talk to this universe’s Tina, who is Rachel. Mirror Rachel totally pulls off goth better. Tina always just looked like a some girl who just happened to wear black that day. But you can totally believe that Mirror Universe Rachel cuts herself while listening to the Cure. Like our Rachel, Mirror Tina failed her NYADA audition. But Mirror Rachel tells Mirror Tina to drive to Whoopi Goldberg and audition again. In the Mirror Universe, Whoopi Goldberg is Barbara Walters.

This is when Tina is pulled back to the real universe.

Sue has the kids reheard for “What a Feeling” using welding equipment just like in Flashdance. It is worth mentioning that Jane Lynch,  (who plays Sue) was in The L Word with Flashdance star, Jennifer Beals. The L Word was a wreck of TV show, but it had girls kissing and nipples so it is A+++.

Some of the glee girls ask Beiste why she  still wears her wedding ring after she told them she left Cooter for hitting her. Mercedes saw Beiste and Cooter go to the movies to see 21 Jump Street. Cooter taking her to that movie counts as serious abuse. Beiste admits that she gave Cooter a second chance.

The glee club watches a reel of Unique and Vocal Adrenaline. I couldn’t hear what was going on because, at this point, my local station cut the audio to announce a Severe Thunderstorm Warning for Manistee County, which is nowhere near where I live nor a place I have ever been to. But the entire northern half of Michigan has to share a single Fox affiliate. It was nice because I didn’t have to listen to what Rachel says next. And not listening to Rachel talk is always a pleasure.

When I could listen to the show again, Sue says she hired a group of little people to help with the glee club’s stage act. The club objects, but I think midgets would be great. Like, five of them could swarm around Quinn and be her legs. Puck walks in wearing a dress. Since Kurt won’t do it, he wants to do what needs to be done to help the club. The various members are either disgusted or turned on.

Rachel and Tina are in a car, but I also missed this scene due to another severe weather advisory. This time, the video was interrupted to show a radar map of northwest Michigan that did not show the county I live in nor the next three counties over. The alert said that power lines were down in Manistee and there was hail 1 inch in diameter. I looked out my window and there was no rain.

When I was allowed to watch Glee again, I saw Puck bitch slap that hockey guy after he insulted beer. The hockey team dump Puck in a dumpster. Puck gets out and pulls a knife on the hockey guy. This is when Beiste jumps in and takes the knife away. She was cool with watching them fight until then, I guess. Beiste takes Puck to the locker room where Puck says the knife is a rubber prop. Puck gives a heartfelt speech about being a loser with loser parents. It resonates with Beiste because she feels like a loser with Cooter. It resonated with me because Finn gave the same speech already and it’s getting annoying. There are 40 characters in this show, but they share five issues.

There was another weather alert. I want to say that was the reason I don’t know what happened when Rachel and Tina met with Whoopi Goldberg, but I was making a pizza.

Beiste is home where Cooter is eating pizza (what a coincidence! Just like Cooter, I feel violence toward the Glee characters!) Beiste says she has to leave Cooter or else she might stab him. Cooter flips out and knocks everything off the table, which sucks because he had a lot of pizza still to eat. If I were Beiste, I would at least eat some pizza before I announce I am gone. Cooter will be less violent because a full belly of pizza makes people tired. Also, the TV station told me that the storm is spreading to Roscommon County, wherever that is. It said the county is experiencing “quarter-sized hail” and then lists every town, township, park and airport in that county, because even the people who live in Roscommon County have no idea where it is. So I missed most of what Puck and Beiste sang next.

But I did hear when Beiste said that the geography teacher will allow Puck to retake the exam he failed. Beiste tells him the teacher hated his attitude (trying to sex her up), but having the courage to wear a dress to support his glee club showed her that he deserves a second chance.

This is the logic train that only works in the Glee world.

So Tina, Irish, Joe and Sugar are left to work on the costumes for Nationals. The kids are jealous that they have to do the grunt work and Sugar asks why Rachel doesn’t sew her own dress. Because Jews don’t do manual labor, sweeties. Tina tells the others to show respect. Because if they are team players and put in the work now, they will be rewarded next year when they are upperclassmen. Right now the seniors (Rachel) deserve the glory and they should support her. From the hallway, Mike smiles. Mike has been telling her all episode that Rachel is awesome and deserves to be the star. Mike is being weird. Why would never support Rachel over his girlfriend, it makes no sense? We don’t see much of him either, so we don’t even know what happened to make him feel this way.

And, by the way, this message is coming from a show where Finn was the star quarterback in season 1, despite being a sophomore. But Tina has learned the same lesson the other girls did when they temporarily left, Rachel is better than her.

For learning her place, Tina is privileged to sing  “What a Feeling” with Rachel as the glee club boards the bus to go to Nationals. Note that Artie is sitting in this bus, but it is not wheelchair accessible. And we all remember the shitty episode “Wheels” which was all about how the club needed a wheelchair accessible bus to take Artie to competitions. What the fuck, Artie?

Grade: F

Best Musical Performance: “What A Feeling” – Irene Cara. Performed by Rachel and Tina

Sugar’s Best Outfit:

Mirror Universe Quinn’s Best Outfit:

Head to the next page for “Nationals” !

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