Season 3 Episode 1
Airdate: September 20, 2011
Porpoise of Life name: “I’d Rather Watch My Little Pony”
Issue of the Week: Purple
Because Glee is out of new ideas, the season 3 premiere begins same as the season 2 premiere, with Jewfro filing a news report about what the glee kids have been up to over the summer while insulting them. What is up with his microphone? Is he a reporter for the Israel Broadcasting Authority? Why would an Israeli TV network care about the goings on of a high school glee club in Ohio? Maybe this is the same network that has been filming a documentary about an office in Pennsylvania for the past eight years.
Here’s what we learn: Mercedes was dating Twink boy, but they broke up when his dad got job out of state. This is the in-show explanation. The real world explanation is that the actor who plays Twink boy was fired. Mercedes’ new boyfriend is former NFL player, Warren Sapp, who tells Mercedes, “We’re going to make beautiful cocoa babies.” It sounds like that line was written by Tracy Morgan.
Santana considers Paula Abdul her Latina hero. Jewfro informs her that Paula is in fact an Arab. The writers did not need to have Jewfro correct her. The joke worked fine without it because no one thinks Paula Abdul is Latin. Everyone assumes she’s black.
Also, Will and Emma are together. I forget if this happened last season or when Emma stopped having the privilege of dating Dr. Jesse Katsopolis (we all know he broke it off with her). After John Stamos no man could do it for her, so of course she moves in with Will.
Will wants the glee club to win Nationals this year. But with Lauren, Quinn, and Twink gone, they will need three new members in order to compete.
To inspire the kids, Will presents three pianos he painted purple. He explains that he got them from foreclosed homes. Will spent the summer watching a lot of Storage Wars and wanted to get in on the action. He lost thousands of dollars but ended up with some old pianos.
Now on to Sue, who is running for Congress. Except it’s 2011 and there was an election less than a year ago and the next one is two Novembers from now. She’ll basically be spending as much time campaigning as her term would last. She’s running on a Tea Party platform, even though she originally wanted to run because her Downs infected sister wasn’t getting enough money from the government for doing nothing all day. Sue better hope word doesn’t get out that she was kind to her disabled sister; the Tea Party frowns on compassion.
Sue kicks off her campaign by destroying one of the glee club’s pianos, as the main part of her platform will be cutting arts funding. One of the teachers gives her a hell yeah. “People who call themselves artists think the rules don’t apply to them,” the teacher growls, “it’s so arrogant.” Did one of the writers take a swipe at Darren Chris with that line? I will assume yes.
Speaking of what a tool Darren Chris is, we next go to Kurt asking Blaine to enroll at McKinley. Because it would look so much better when applying to college if he graduated from McKinley instead of his expensive prep school.
Finally, we see what happened to Quinn after the disaster that was the prom and New York trip (the events as well at the episodes themselves). She dropped out of cheer and glee, dyed her hair pink, and joined the bad girls posse known as “The Skanks.” Quinn looks intimidating if you ignore the pink hair and full length skirt. Quinn couldn’t decide which kid from The Breakfast Club she wanted to be, so she decided to dress like all of them.
Rachel approaches Quinn under the bleachers and asks her to rejoin glee. But Quinn won’t have it and since the two ladies didn’t make out, this scene is boring. Let’s move on.
To remind us that the writers are still out of ideas, the glee kids perform a lunch time diddy to recruit new members, just like last September. They sing “We Got the Beat” in the cafeteria, which results in a food fight.
The club gets only one young lady who wants to join. She is Suge Knight’s daughter. Well, not really. Her name has Sugar in it and she says she is a diplomat’s daughter. What diplomat lives in Lima, Ohio? Forget it, it makes more sense to say she is Suge Knight’s kid.
Her singing is horrid and Rachel is adamant that she cannot be allowed in. However, the club is desperate for new members and she is the only person interested. Will should just buy the machine they built in 1998 to make Britney Spears sound like she could sing. The technology is outdated by today’s standards, but would still good enough for glee club. Plus they could get it for a discount because it’s used.
Kurt and Rachel are planning to move to New York after graduation to pursue their musical dreams. They sing a song about the Wicked Witch. I don’t recall hearing it on The Wizard of Oz. Maybe it’s from the 1998 Special Edition. They should have sung “If I Only Had a Brain”. That song is way better and quite apt for Rachel.
Will wants to strike back against Sue’s campaign against the arts. He proclaims himself General Shuester, which sounds like the name of a Nazi who led the invasion of Stalingrad.
Now what will Will’s big attack be? He throws glitter at Sue. Wooo, way to go Will :/, was this Kurt’s idea? At least it’s way more than Will has done against Sue in the past two years.
In lamer news, Blaine has enrolled in McKinley. He then sings a song in the outdoor place with all the steps. Understandably, the cheerleaders respond to Blaine’s singing by setting the piano on fire.
Kurt and Rachel go to some youth singing thing or something. I don’t want to talk about this scene, except to say that crazy bitch Lindsay from The Glee Project is here and she sings a song. She was only guaranteed two episodes so thankfully, we’re halfway through with her.
Will kicks Santana out of glee for being one of the cheerleaders who set his $14 piano on fire. Now the glee club needs four new members, and the only student who wants in sings worse than Finn. The remaining glee kids end the episode with another song I have never heard before. Wikipedia says it’s from Hairspray, which I should maybe watch some day but have never gotten around to it because it sounds stupid.
Best Musical Number:
“The Ballad of the Wicked Witch” – Oz: Live on Broadway!. Performed by Kurt & Rachel
Pamphlet in Emma’s Office: