Glee: 3.02 “I Am Unicorn”

Season 3 Episode 2
Airdate: September 27, 2011

Porpoise of Life name: “I’d Rather Watch New Girl
Issue of the Week: Being yourself

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Shelby has returned to Lima as a new teacher at McKinley. That stupid Sugar Motto’s mafia don father paid the school a bucket load of money to create a new glee club just for his daughter. He also went to New York to recruit Shelby to be her tutor. Shelby took the offer because the money was too good to pass up. She isn’t looking forward to tutoring the one and only person in this town who cannot sing.

Will is excited to see Shelby in the teachers’ lounge, but worries that this will be really hard on Rachel. I’m glad Will thought about that, because Shelby sure wouldn’t.

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Quinn is still in her Bad Girl’s Club. She and her gang of lady hooligans are shoving a little girl’s head in the toilet in order to steal her lunch money. That’s incredibly cruel, but the little girl has about $70 in lunch money, so maybe it’s worth it. And what is an 9 year doing in high school?

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Brittany wants to manage Kurt’s campaign for class president, saying he is a unicorn. She must have heard the other cheerleaders calling him that and took it literally. She thinks Kurt can win by campaigning on the “proud to be gay” platform, so all of her posters are pink and glittery. Kurt has his reservations, but I think the students will respond positively. Every May, I read news stories about 50 high schools that voted a same-sex couple their prom king and queen.

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Will forces Finn, Kurt, Mercedes and Puck to take dance lessons led by Other Asian. Other Asian seizes on the opportunity to insult each of them. Blaine also volunteers for the class. I believe this is because Darren Chris noticed how little screentime he had in the script and threw a huge fit, so Ryan Murphy stuck him in this scene.

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Also, the school is gong to put on a production of West Side Story soon, and Rachel wants to land the female lead, Maria. Now I understand why Santana was kicked out of glee club. It was Rachel’s doing. Maria is an Hispanic character and Santana is the only Hispanic in this school. So Rachel saw Santana as her biggest competition for the role. Santana had to be taken out.

Rachel is rehearsing when Shelby appears, only because Will reminded Shelby that her biological daughter is a student here. This surprises Rachel, because last time they met, Shelby politely told Rachel she hated her and to leave her alone. “I almost had to go to therapy because of you,” Rachel tells Shelby. Rachel, you should go to therapy anyway.

Rachel was going to sing “I Feel Pretty” at her audition, which she did in “Born This Way”. But Shelby encourages her to try a different song, saying, “You will never become a star or get the lead if you play it safe.” I think Rachel will get the lead no matter what.

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Sue confronted Quinn and recruited her former protege to join her in destroying glee club. It’s like if Darth Vader would have gotten Luke to turn to the darkside in The Empire Strikes Back. Quinn is the subject of a campaign video about how the arts ruin kids’ lives (Sue is running for Congress as a Teabagger). The video culminates with Quinn confronting Will in his office (Will has an office?) about how glee club has wrecked her. “I used to have everything!” she cries, as she blames glee club for the loss of her boyfriend and popularity.

Will slams his fist down and accuses Quinn of being selfish and playing the victim. He reminds her that glee club was around when she got pregnant and was kicked out of her home. Will has two words for Quinn: “Grow up.” Someone needs to tell Quinn that! This is Quinn’s senior year, she should be looking past high school right now. Smoking under the bleachers and complaining about life is for middle school.

I’m glad Will finally stood up to a woman for once in his life. Sure, she was a 17-year-old girl, but it’s a start. That video was stupid anyway. If Sue wants genuine Tea Party cred, she should make a video of her throwing Chiclets at Becky.

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Puck is at Shelby’s door. He is eager to see the baby he made with Quinn, and Shelby now has the ownership papers of. Puck wants he and Quinn to be in the child’s life, but Shelby demands both of them to clean up their act first. Puck is a poor student and Quinn smells like pee.

Because of this, Shelby won’t allow Quinn to see the baby as Shelby doesn’t like the turn Quinn has taken. But Shelby is also an asshole. Shelby tells Quinn that she went through a similar phase after she became pregnant in high school and gave up Rachel. But Shelby smugly states to Quinn that she did right by her daughter. What? When? How did Shelby do right by Rachel? May I remind you all that Shelby adopted Quinn’s baby in the same episode where she turned Rachel away, saying she didn’t want to deal with a kid. I hope Rachel doesn’t find out that Shelby adopted another child.

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Kurt auditions for the male lead of Tony, but in typical Kurt fashion, opts to sing a Barbra Streisand song. Kurt is shocked–SHOCKED!–when he overhears Artie (the director) and Bieste and Emma (the faculty supervisors) discussing the fact that Kurt may not be particularly masculine enough to play a male lead. Cut Kurt some slack people, this play is about a street gang that sings and dances.

This causes Kurt to throw a fit when he sees all the campaign posters of him riding a unicorn that Brittany and Santana placed around the school.

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In desperation, Kurt grabs Rachel to recite a portion of Romeo & Juliet as an audition do-over. Kurt decides that it is wise to play Romeo instead of Juliet, but he stops when Artie, Bieste, and Emma can’t hold back their laughter.

Kurt is worried that being so incredibly gay will limit his acting opportunities in adulthood, as leading men in Hollywood have to project masculinity. “No one’s looking for a Kurt Hummel type to play opposite Kate Hudson,” he tells his father Burt, played by Lord of the Admiralty, MIKE O’MALLEY. Oh dear, I would hate to think that Kurt is so upset because he will never be in a Kate Hudson movie. Burt tells Kurt to chill. He tells his son that he is super gay and can’t change that and should write his own movies if no one else will cast him. It could work. Brokeback Mountain made a ton of money despite being terrible.

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Quinn asks to be accepted back into glee club. You can tell she is sincere about returning to the side of good because she is wearing a white dress. But she tells Puck that she is only doing this so Shelby will allow her access to her baby. Quinn wants to seek full custody. You keep at that, 17-year-old girl with no income.

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Kurt has come to terms with campaigning as a gay, and all it took was his father’s gentle words. However, Brittany resigns as his campaign manager because she will be running for class president with Santana’s help. It’s going to be a gay boy versus a lesbian for class president. Oh, TV has never done that before!

What’s funny is that in the scene right before this one, Will stated he wants to find someone to run against Sue. So for a moment, I Brittany was going to tell Kurt she’ll be running for Congress.

Blaine ends the episode with his pretentious singing and dancing. Artie wants him to play Tony, which makes Kurt sad.

Grade: F

Oh boy, a story arc leading up to a West Side Story episode. 🙁

Did You Know?

Blaine is a junior. Which makes Kurt older than him, despite Blaine having been a mentor to Kurt last season. Yeah, this doesn’t add up to me, either. It seems that Ryan Murphy, and the producers who are forced to work with Ryan Murphy, are nervous about having to start season 4 without many of the current cast. So they retconned Blaine down one year. Or he failed his junior year at the prep school, so that is why he is now enrolled at McKinley.

Best Musical Number:

I’m not certain, but I think everyone sang the same song.

Kurt’s Best Outfit:

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