Glee: 3.05 “The First Time”

Season 3 Episode 5
Airdate: November 8, 2011

Porpoise of Life name: “Sex Episode”
Issue of the Week: Sex

Artie has fallen in love with directing because he can order people around. Opening day for West Side Story is soon approaching, but Artie is concerned that Rachel and Blaine, who play the leads of  Maria and Tony, are still be virgins.  “Have either of you two actually… ” Artie asks them, which prompts Emma and Beiste to leave the auditorium.

Rachel and Blaine are put on the spot as Artie explains that actors can’t express passion if they have never had sex. Artie then brags about  his first time with Brittany, even though she went to girls afterward. Artie is being such a dick here, expecting these kids to have sex for the good of the play. I think he doesn’t like that West Side Story has so much dancing, so he wants to take the walkies down a peg.

Later, Artie wheels up on Beiste and asks why she left the room earlier. He already knows what Emma left, she is a terrible guidance counselor.  Artie quickly figures out why and is like, “Holy shit you’re still a virgin!” Artie is a mean person.

Meanwhile, Blaine heads back to Hogwarts to check in on his former glee club, who are singing “Uptown Girl” by Billy Joel. The boys are so happy that they no longer have to be Blaine’s backup singers that they surround/harass a young librarian in a pencil skirt. This school has a strict dress code when it comes to their librarians. Only sexy librarians need apply. She looks like Charlotte from Sex and the City. Yes, I know the names of the harpies on Sex and the City. Fuck off.

A boy introduces himself to Blaine. His name is Sebastian Smyth and he is smitten for Blaine. The two drink some coffee and gay boy flirt. The scene is intertwined with Santana and Rachel singing a West Side Story song. This is Glee being all metaphorical and shit, which Glee is rarely smart enough to do.

By the way, I like to think that Sebastian was named after the crab from The Little Mermaid. He would have been born several years after that movie, but The Little Mermaid kicked ass and I am sure his parents agreed.

Rachel has taken Artie’s bullshit to heart and asked Finn to deflower here. Finn has only ever made love to a hot tub, so he is almost as clueless as Rachel on these matters. He asks Puck to reccomend a brand of condom, but Puck says he has never worn a condom. “Worked out for me about 99% of the time,” he says. Puck means that the 99 other times he was able to talk the girl into getting an abortion.

The couple have a candle light dinner at Finn’s house. Finn made sure the meal was vegan because Rachel is vegan, which Finn knows because Rachel never shut-ups about veganism because she is a vegan.

The couple then make out on a blanket. But before they get naked, Rachel lets it slip, “I have to get it down before opening night!” Finn is pissed that Rachel is just using him for her dumb stage performance thing and walks away. This is the total opposite of what any other straight boy would do in this situation.

OK, so Beiste has a crush on this football recruiter from Ohio State University, who is in town to look at the prospects. Artie learns that the recruiter also likes Beiste so he sets them up.

Beiste is on guard because she cannot believe that any man would want to be with her. So the recruiter gives her this heartfelt speech about how he wants a real woman–like her. He leaves out the part about how he has a small penis and has to settle.

Oh, and there is another subplot. Mike’s dad is angry that he will be dancing in the play, because Mike’s dad is a stereotypical angry Asian father and wants his son to pursue science, not dancing. He also hates how his son has embraced American culture, what with how we question our parents and Google Tibet.

Rachel needs help getting Finn to bone her, so she assembles a lady council.  It’s like The View but less retarded. Rachel is the Elizabeth Hassleback. Quinn advises her to wait because sex should be special. Santana also says to wait because Finn is terrible in bed. Brittany was apparently raped at summer camp.  And, while another WSS song plays, Tina tells them that she and Mike did it over the summer and it was magical. Which makes sense. They are both Asian so their little parts fit just right!

Blaine and Kurt have also discussed giving up their virginity to each other, but one of them isn’t ready. I forget who. They get fake IDs to get into a local gay bar. Sebastian is there and dances with Blaine, while Kurt sits at the bar. Where he just so happens to meet Karofsky, the closest football player who beat up/kissed Kurt but is now nice. Karofsky says he likes this bar because he can be gay and be left alone. I highly doubt a muscular young man like him would be ever be left alone in a gay bar, but whatever. Probably no one ever talks to Ryan Murphy when he goes to gay bars, so Ryan is projecting. Or maybe all the other gay dudes have gotten sick of how Karofsky always want to beat up a guy after they make out.

The two have a pleasant conversation, and then Kurt steals Blaine away from Sebastian.

The night ends with Kurt leading a drunk Blaine back to his car. Blaine really wants to do it in the car and grabs Kurt’s titties. But Kurt is “NO MEANS NO!” and stops it.

It’s the night of the play’s debut!  Artie is suddenly really nervous.  He thinks the play will be a disaster and it will be his fault. Despite the entire cast being ridiculously talented singers, he thinks the play’s success rides on him.  This is when Emma, Tina and the couple of other cast members Artie hasn’t managed to insult, give him some flowers and tell him what a good job he’s done.  Artie then gives one of those heartfelt speeches–and by heartfelt, I mean annoying and dumb–about how being a director has made him feel like a man for the first time in his life.

We then get to see Santana, as Anita, lead the cast in the song “America”.

Rachel and Blaine are behind the curtain, nervously awaiting their duet “One Hand, One Heart”. As both of them are still virgins, they are still in doubt as to whether they can display the passion for a love song. Except, from what I remember about this play, they would have already sung “Tonight” together several scenes earlier.

Anyway, while they are singing, we are taken to the auditorium after the show, where Kurt and Blaine make up. Blaine says Sebastian means nothing to him, which in gay speak means Sebastian has a very small penis.

We then go to Rachel paying a visit to Finn. Finn was hoping that the Ohio State recruiter would give him an athletic scholarship, but the recruiter passed on him. Finn panics because it means his football career will end in high school. Finn doesn’t even think about trying out for any other university. Ohio State is all there is. This boy is hella’ Ohio.

Rachel gives him a sympathy fuck, thereby ending her virginity. Also, Kurt and Blaine have sex. Woot woot!

Grade: C-