Glee: 3.06 “Mash Off”

Season 3 Episode 6
Airdate: November 15, 2011

Porpoise of Life name: “Mashed Rivalries”
Issue of the Week: Mashed potatoes (I WISH!!!)

The episode opens with a Puck voiceover about how much he wants his penis all up in Shelby. I like to imagine that whenever we hear a voiceover from Puck, it’s him writing in his Hello Kitty diary.

Puck doesn’t just want sex time, he wants a relationship with her. He’s totally in love after their kiss and expresses his emotions by busting out to “Hot for Teacher”. FUCK YEAH! Glee did a pretty sweet homage to the video, though it falls far short due to the lack of Waldo. Van Halen is so awesome that the only way to honor them is through collage:

Sue’s campaign for Congress has gone dirty. She is airing a commercial implying her opponent, Burt, played by the Siren’s song, MIKE O’MALLEY, was given a baboon heart during his operation.

Will is hopping mad over the commercial and is about to throw a temper tantrum, but Emma calms him down saying, “If you win by fighting dirty, it’s not really winning.”  Yeah, because America loses!

Sue’s dirty tricks are working. 20% of voters believe in the baboon heart. Kurt is upset and complains to Sue, who explains this is just how campaigns are done. Brittany, Kurt and Rachel are in competition to be elected class president and Brittany has been spreading the lie that Rachel is still on Myspace. “No one is on Myspace!” Kurt yells. I think the producers are rebelling against News Corp for when they were forced to promote Myspace in the first season.

Shelby and Will have a parlay in the teacher’s lounge. Their respective glee clubs (The Troubletones and New Directions) are not getting along, as they will have to face-off in the upcoming Sectionals. Will says that whenever his glee club was fighting, he forced them do mash-ups. The kids learned that had to be nice to each other to avoid having to do any more Goddamn mash-ups.

Shelby and Will get their clubs together in the auditorium to hear Will and Shelby duet for peace. Wikipedia says it’s a mash-up of two different songs named “You and I”, one by Lady Gaga and the other a country song. Each club will have to do a mash-up.

Puck gives Shelby a little pumpkin as a sex gift. He wants to prove he can provide for his female. Puck reminds us that he is 18, so we don’t think Shelby is a pedo-teacher. Shelby feels the chemistry, but turns him down so she doesn’t lose her crappy substitute teaching job.

Quinn has no idea this in going on, and still thinks Puck is with her to get their baby back from Shelby. Quinn asks Shelby to join the Troubletones, probably because Will recommended she do that. Will doesn’t like that Quinn is occasionally in his field of vision when he is trying to stare at Rachel and Blaine.

Rachel goes to Shelby to sign a letter of recommendation for her application for New York Musical School. Shelby signs it and tells Rachel how proud she is of her. It took 18 years, but Shelby actually expressed kindness to her daughter for once.

OK, so Santana has been insulting Finn a lot, which she has been doing to everybody since the first episode. But now Finn has Rory the Irish around to boost his ego and tell him how pretty he is. Finn decides to turn it back on Santana and calls her an assless Jennifer Lopez. Rory even tries to get one in saying, “You’re skinny like all the crops field on your family’s farm.” What? Oh no, don’t tell me Ireland has another famine. God damn it Irish people, maybe your fucking island isn’t fit to live on. Ireland clearly isn’t capable of supporting life if your population is constantly dieing of starvation and has to flee en mass to other countries all the damn time.

Santana says that insults can’t hurt her, because she grew up in an abusive Mexican household. So New Directions and The Troubeltones settle their feud in a dodgeball game. Of course it is to a mash-up of “Hit Me with Your Best Shot” and “One Way or Another”. The Troubletones win after Santana hits Finn in the face. Headshots are a penalty that should get the thrower eliminated, but everyone is probably too scared of Santana to call her on it.

After the game, Santana tried to make peace with Finn. But to Santana, making peace with someone just means insulting them while you smile.  Being that Finn isn’t clever enough to come up with anything, he just yells that Santana is gay so loudly that everyone in the hall hears it. Finn has a gay step-brother, by the way, so you can totally see why he’d feel it’s OK to call Santana gay as an insult.

Sue has another attack ad. This one implies Burt, played by the first man on the Moon, MIKE O’MALLEY, is married to a donkey.

Puck is at Shelby’s apartment taking care of baby Beth. Puck admits to Shelby that Quinn is trying to get her in trouble with Child Protective Services, but he sees that Shelby is a great mother and wants to be in the baby’s life–alongside Shelby.

Mash-up time. New Directions goes first with a blend of two Hall & Oates songs. Finn recommended their music because he says that like New Directions, H&O stayed together through adversity. I don’t think you can claim that New Directions has stayed together through adversity if half their original members broke away into a rival group. Finn is dumb as rock. A more apt band to cover would be Pink Floyd or CCR. They are also much better bands.

The campaign for class president has gotten really ugly. Posters have been defaced and Kurt is not speaking to Rachel. There is a debate in the gym. Brittany promises to ban tornadoes and go topless on Tuesdays. Kurt takes a stand against smear campaigns, complaining that, “My opponent Brittany stated my face was used as template for Hasbro’s successful line of My Little Ponies.” Dude, that’s an honor. If teens are anything like people in their 20s, half that school watched Friendship is Magic on Youtube. Kurt also wants to ban dodgeball, because he thinks a class president has the power to do that. Rachel withdraws from the race to endorse Kurt. Now all of Rachel’s one supporter will go toward Kurt!

Later, Quinn pops in at Shelby’s apartment, but Shelby turns her away, and also says she cannot join the Troubletones or see the baby anymore. Shelby is all like, “There’s more to being a mom than just popping out a baby. That’s all you did and you still sucked at it!”

Santana is called into Sue’s office. Burt, played by the Harlem Globetrotter’s GM, MIKE O’MALLEY, and Will are there with some bad news. A niece of one of Sue’s opponent’s overheard Finn, told her uncle, and now has an commercial that outs Santana and attacks Sue for selecting a gay head cheerleader.

You’ll notice the pizza parlor advertisement in the corner. That’s totally a dig at Herman Cain, who was the CEO of a pizza chain no one has ever heard of before he decided to run for president as an internet gag. But now here comes Glee with the biting satire that will torpedo Cain’s campaign to be president once in for all.

“I haven’t even told my parents yet!” Santana cries and then runs out the room and down the hall.

Wow, can you believe what just happened?

Glee actually had a character experience a crisis and I actually cared. It took three years for that to finally happen. Though, going by how Glee works, something will happen in the next episode to stop that ad from ever going to air.

We go straight to the Troubeltones mash-up of two Adele songs. It’s really, really good, maybe the best performance in Glee‘s three seasons. It has much to do with Adele, her music is really good. I am listening to her album right now, in fact, and would buy it, but I haven’t actually paid for music in seven years. Besides, we all see what she buys with her money, so I’d feel kind of icky supporting her while people in Africa and Ireland are starving.

The episode ends with Quinn slapping Finn across the face. It took three years for someone to finally do that to Finn. It was long awaited and well deserved.

Grade: A+