Glee: 4.01 “The New Rachel”

Season 4 Episode 1
Airdate: September 13, 2012

Rachel has begun classes at NYADA, the New York Academy of Dramatic Arts, under a particularly difficult dance teacher, Cassandra July, played by Kate Hudson. Ms. July warns the students that “maybe two in this room that are good enough to make it in this business.” She focuses on Rachel and nicknames her “little miss David Schwimmer” and calls her homestate of Ohio “a giant turd that Michigan just can’t pinch off” I agree 100%! July watches Rachel do her high kicks and says, “You suck.” Wow, looks like Ms. July is going to get a poor student evaluation.

Kate Hudson has the best life ever. Her mom is Goldie Hawn, whose boyfriend is Kurt Russell. Hawn and Russell have been together for years but have never officially wed. Which is great for Hudson because she gets to spend all the holidays with him and have him around as a surrogate father, but there would be nothing technically wrong if they had sex. I want her life. Kurt Russell is sweet.

Back at McKinley, Jacob files his third annual report on the glee club for the Israeli Broadcasting Authority. Since winning Nationals last year, the glee club is now popular. They have gone from zeroes to heroes, as a late ‘80s kids movie would say. Sam has a crowd of girls around him, but I am pretty sure that was the case before Nationals. Also, Tina looks like Margaret Cho.

Back at NYADA, Rachel prepares her elaborate bedtime routine, and hears a boy singing in shower. This school has co-ed bathrooms, which I am certain means the girls are reluctant to use the toilets and go to the Arby’s two blocks away to do number two. His name is Cody and like 50% of the boys in the Glee universe, is incredibly ripped. Rachel says she is nervous about Ms. July and can’t get used to the “city noise” like all the gunfire. Cody tells Rachel she needs to believe she is the best, and clarifies that he is straight, which you need to mention if you are a hetero guy in theater. What comes off a flirting from a straight boy will comes off as “You go girl!” from a gay boy. Now Rachel likes a boy, which means she is never going to be able to poop in that bathroom. Ha ha, I kid, Rachel never poops. She has a special fiber-free diet that ensures she only tinkles, as she refers to peeing.

Back at McKinley, Sue shows Kurt her newborn daughter, Robin, which if you think about too much, is kind of horrifying. Less than giving birth to a Xenomorph in Alien, but still more than a normal human birth by a woman who hasn’t hit menopause.

Sue has a new Quinn. Her name is Kitty. It’s a Sith Lord/Apprentice relationship between the cheer coach and head cheerleader. Quinn went the way of Darth Maul, but now there is a Count Dooku eager to serve Palpatine.

Sue makes fun of Kurt for lurking the halls of his former high school like a loser. Kurt says he is not a loser, he is going to start community college soon. As far as Ryan Murphy is concerned, that is a clever burn at Community for the many times they have made fun of Glee.

Glee club has its first meeting. The current members are Artie, Blaine, Brittany, Joe, Sam, Sugar (YEEEEEE!) and Tina. Wade Adams also joins, which makes Blaine jealous that there is another gay in the club. Blaine, Brit, Tina and Wade are in a competition to be the “New Rachel” i.e. the star of the glee club. Will tells them to knock that off. “No one can be Rachel!” screams Will as he rips out his hair. “NO ONE!!!” Will wanted to quit after his beloved Rachel graduated and apply for a job at NYADA, to follow her through her academic career like Mr. Feeny did to Cory Matthews, but NYADA required more than the University of Phoenix teaching certificate Will has. The only reason Will didn’t buy a house next door to Rachel’s family was because he couldn’t afford something in that neighborhood it on a teacher’s salary.

To see which of them will be the new Rachel, Blaine, Brittany, Tina and Wade sing “Call Me Maybe” by Justin Bieber’s babysitter. Bieber is so big he got his babysitter a recording contract. Artie has to judge who did best, which Artie likes because judging people is his favorite activity.

After school, Kurt works at the Lima Bean while Brittany and Blaine enjoy coffee. Blaine asks how her long distance relationship with Santana is going.

 

BRITTANY SAYS:

“It’s hard making out over Skype. You can’t really scissor a webcam.”

 

The glee kids eat lunch together. Artie can’t decide whom to pick as the new Rachel, telling them “genius can’t be rushed.” Artie deserved the accident that put him in a wheelchair. A new girl introduces herself. Her name is Marley and she is going to audition for glee club. Wade sits down. He is wearing makeup and the other glee kids tell him to take it off because their new popularity is tenuous. Kitty and two football players join them because the glee table is now the cool kids table. The football guys get the glee kids to make fun of an insanely obese lunchlady.

BRITTANY SAYS:

“Maybe she has a medical condition or she swallowed someone with a medical condition.”

 

From the nearby table, Marley overhears the fat jokes. It turns out the obese lunchlady is Marley’s mom. They are poor and to hide it, Marley’s mom sews designer labels onto the clothes she buys from Goodwill. Huh? Goodwill is not a clothing label. Do the Glee writers not know Goodwill sells used clothes? Do they think it’s just a lower quality JC Penny? Marley doesn’t want to join glee club after the kids made fun of her mom, but mom says that is will always happen since she is as poor and obese as the star of a TLC show. “You have magic in your throat, Marley,” her mom says. “It’s time to share it with the world.” ORAL SEX JOKE!!!!

Back at dance class, Rachel asks July why she is always picking on her and also points out that July has alcohol on her breath (she was making margaritas earlier). To show that she still gots it, July busts out into a song and dance, a mash-up of a Lady Gaga and Jennifer Lopez song. She should have sung a Bruce Springsteen song, like “Glory Days”. That’s awesome to sing when you’re drunk! Or the Irish national anthem. I really liked her performance. You’d never know this from her movies, but Kate Hudson has actual talent.

For the first time, a long line of kids are eager to audition for glee club. Will previously had a policy where any student who wanted to be in would be allowed, but to hell with that now. There are a couple of rejects: a stoner who will probably go on to cook meth with his chemistry teacher, and a black girl who acts far too black. Then is one boy who introduces himself only as Jake and you can tell he is going to make the team because sings a song: “Never Say Never” by The Fray. But Will cuts him off before he can finish. Jake is so pissed he knocks over a music stand in anger. Kurt, who is still hanging out at school, says this in unacceptable behavior. Give Jake some credit. He actually did something to acknowledge the band members exist.

We then go back to New York. Whoopi Goldberg has returned to NYADA to audition students as backup singers for Sister Act 3: Vatican Vacation. Rachel sings “New York State of Mind” by Billy Joel, at the same time Marley sings it back at McKinley.

Will posts the membership list. Marley is the only new member. Jake is disappointed to not make the cut.

Blaine tells Kurt he needs to stop hanging around the school and then sings something and there are cups, but I fast-forwarded because my life is too short to listen to Blaine.

Marley now sits at the same lunch table as the glee kids and Kitty and her pride. They make fun of the lunchlady again. “She’s my mom!” Marley cries. Awkward! Everyone tugs at their shirt collars like they are letting steam out.

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