Glee: 4.02 “Britney 2.0”

Season 4 Episode 2
Airdate: September 20, 2012

Brittany has big plans for her second senior year. She is head cheerleader and intends to be elected senior class president again. Then she sings a Britney Spears song. I am not sure which one. I mostly stopped paying attention to her after “Oops…I Did It Again” when I was in the 9th grade. I remember when she kissed Madonna on the VMAs that one year, and thought it was kind of gross. I spent the rest of month looking at girl-on-girl porn online to make sure there wasn’t something wrong with me and I was still into two girls kissing, and it was just that Madonna is really gross.

Anyway, the dance routine to this mystery song is pretty cool. At one point, they use Klingon ba’leths. Or, as a less nerdy reference, we’ll say they are defective crutches that will be shipped to Guatemala.

But Sue hates it and summons Brittany to her office. Brittany got an F- in math and is bringing down the cheer team’s overall GPA, and also something about someone trying to marry a squirrel.

 

BRITTANY SAYS:

That’s because I believe in marriage equality for all land animals.

 

Sue strips Brit of her head cheerleader title and appoints Kitty to the role. It’s appropriate because Kitty looks like Quinn with some kind of chromosome disorder.

 

BRITTANY SAYS:

Tough love feels a lot like mean.

 

Brit chats with Santana over Skype. Brit wants to scissor over the internet, as they have done before, but Santana has to get her sleep for cheerleadering tomorrow. So Santana went to cheerleading college instead of show business college [which spellcheck wants be to capitalize to Show Business College. Is that a place that exists and is noteworthy enough to make it into the spellcheck dictionary?]. Santana’s plans were up in the air at the end of season 3. Finn is in the army, Mike is in dance school and Puck is sexing up leather-skinned housewives in LA; that means I’m only unclear on where Mercedes is. I am sure we will find out never.

 

BRITTANY SAYS TO HER CAT:

I’m not speaking to you. I know you joined a gang.

 

Brit is summoned to Emma’s office.

 

BRITTANY SAYS:

I’m sorry I’m late. Someone stole my compass.

 

Due to losing her cheer position and Santana being too far away for sex times, Brit has fallen into a funk and wears oversized t-shirts that say “World’s Best Grandma”. Emma and Will want to talk to Brittany about her sloppy choice of clothing. As per the Student Handbook, female students are required to dress provocatively unless they are overweight. It’s the only reason Will took at job here to begin with.

 

BRITTANY SAYS:

I started taking Lord Tubbington’s pills for feline depression.

 

Brittany will have to come to Emma for regular counseling session. Emma is basically useless in that role, so the only way to fix Brit is the way the glee club comes to the aid of their members, with song.

The glee club will perform a song for the back to school pep rally, which is a real thing schools have. Will knows whose song they will sing and writes “Britney 2.0” on his beloved whiteboard. The glee kids are excited to have a second Britney Spears tribute episode since they were such big fans back in preschool. Is this a tie in now that Britney Spears is a judge on The X Factor? She follows in the fine tradition of Paula Abdul and Jennifer Lopez of being a female judge on a singing competition who can’t really sing. The other lady judge on The X Factor is Demi Lovato. I don’t know if she can sing. I only know that she was a Disney channel star and that’s it. Except I watch Disney Channel every day and she’s never on. I am starting to think she is a made up person. What’s always on Disney is this show about a babysitter in the big city who takes care of an interracial group of children. The little black girl is so adorably sassy!

Artie and Blaine sing one of Britney’s songs. I assume the song used the word “boy” a lot because Artie and Blaine use the word “girl” a lot. I hate it when Glee switches the gender in the lyrics. Jack White didn’t do that when he sang Dolly Parton! Do they think no one will buy the song on iTunes if it sounds gay? This is Glee! Everyone who watches the show is either gay, bisexual or in denial. Seriously, if you are a Glee viewer who considers yourself heterosexual, you are not. No straight person watches Glee. Come out of the closet and put your mouth around a set of genitals that resemble the ones you have.

Over in New York, Kurt and Rachel rented an empty loft like Flashdance so Kurt can re-enact the movie. Kurt’s plans are to audition again at NYADA next year and in the meantime apply for a job at Vogue. Kurt will re-enact Anne Hathaway’s role in The Devil Wears Prada and work his way up in the company so he can one day re-enact Meryl Streep’s role. Kurt has a lot of plans for movie re-enactments.

Cassandra July is still being hard on Rachel and won’t let her dance the tango because she doesn’t consider Rachel sexy enough. Man, Ms. July has as good a taste in women as Kate Hudson does in movie roles. Kurt knows who Ms. July is. He explains that ten years ago, she was a stage actress who flipped out over a cell phone going off and tried to destroy it with a baseball bat, which would have been futile because ten years ago that phone would have been a Nokia 1100. Those things are indestructible. The Finnish military took all the disposed of 1100s to build tanks and body armor for their upcoming invasion of Norway. A video of her tantrum exists on Youtube.

Back at McKinley, Wade is dressed as Unique and wants to have a girl-on-girl talk with Marley, who humors him by participating. Marley always wanted a gay bestie, and this is like having a gay bestie and a half. Hey, that works as a drag joke and a fat joke! Wade asks Marley if she likes any boys. She replies she likes Jake.

Wade tells Marley, no sugar Jake is bad news, and says it like the incredibly sassy black woman he presents himself as. I definitely see the appeal Wade sees in dressing as Unique. Everyone has wanted to be a sassy black woman at one point in their life. Wade calls Jake a “Womanizer” and then s/he and Tina sing that song while following Jake around. He should be annoyed, but I think he was distracted waiting to see if that new black girl would cross her legs here. Despite the song number, Marley still likes Jake.

Then, Sam, Tina and Joe sing a song about 3, the highest number Britney Spears can count to. Burn! Brittany attempts to shave off her hair. She’s going crazy and runs out into the hallway where Jacob Israel jumps her with cameras like the paparazzi. Brittany beats him down with an umbrella. I’m pretty sure this is based on what happened to Britney Spears a few years ago when she had a meltdown. I can see why the real Britney hasn’t made a cameo this time.

Jake travels the halls in a scooter like he is a rebel with nothing to lose. “No scootering in the hallway!” barks Will, “like some punk from 40 years ago!” Will says it was a mistake to not let Jake into glee club, but he should join to have people who care about him. Jake scoots off and finds Marley at the bleachers. They talk about their emotions then sing “Crazy” but mash it with the Areosmith song of the same name. I don’t care if she is more than twice Britney’s age, Stevie Tyler is a way sexier chick. You can see where Liv got her hotness.

The glee club members stage an intervention for Brittany. Since singing to her hasn’t worked, they offer her the lead in the pep assembly song. Brittany says they will lip synch to a song they will record in advance. This goes against the spirit of being a glee club (that often use instruments in their competitions), but Brit says to hell with the rules, to hell with them all!

 

BRITTANY SAYS:

My voice is too weak to sing live. I’ve been up every night this week yelling at the shrubs in my yard that have been making fun of me.

 

She also appears to be under the control of the off band Siri that came with her Tracfone. Like Otto Octavius but with a phone!

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