Hamtaro is like the best show to ever come from Japan. No doubt about it. I’ even including the show about teenage school girls who fight the tentacle penis monsters by using moonstones to transform into preteen girls with animal tails. That shit don’t even come close!
The premise of today’s episode is newspapers, and the humans or other creatures who contribute to this dying art form
Fun Hamtaro Fact:
Originally airing in Japan in the year 2000 this episode was considered a quaint throw back to a time where computers were not
injected anally into Japanese babies at birth so that they could get the latest news directly sent to their brain.
Laura needs to write an article for the newspaper but unbeknownst to her Hamtaro has eaten the list of potential subjects! Based on interests Laura has shown in previous episodes, as well as my knowledge of Japanese girls, here is a reconstruction of her list
Laura’s list of newspaper topics
- Shonen Knife
Hamtaro overhears Laura talking about writing for the newspaper. He thinks Laura is being a dumb ass, newspapers ain’t for writing on they are for absorbing heavy ass shits.
At the Ham-Ham Club House Hamtaro regales the other hamsters with tails of how retarded Laura is being, writing on a newspaper. Oxnard says he prefers ceder chips
Fun Hamtaro Fact: Using pine or ceder chips is dangerous for small animals like hamsters.
The small is too strong and causes liver failure for some reason. Instead buy a paper based litter.
Bijou says that she thinks humans read the newspaper. She knows this because she is a classy lassy. Pashmina and the yellow one who can’t talk play along agreeing with Bijou. This leads Boss to attempt to save face by saying he also knew that, but nobody believes him. He has brought dishonor to his family. Bruce Springsteen can only look on in shame.
Stan says he wishes there was a Ham-Ham newspaper and Maxwell latches on to this idea like a tape worm in a chicken pot pie. The other hamsters totally get into this idea throwing out ideas for columns and yelling thins in unison cuz thats what they do when they get excited. Maxwell will be the editor because editors are huge assholes and Maxwell is the hugest asshole in the world.
Laura is throwing ideas off of other girl for a newspaper story. She first proposes a story on school lockers but somebody is already doing that. Really? School lockers? Then she thinks about doing something about school gossip but Kimmy Gibbler’s got that one covered.
Hamtaro is walking around literally looking for a scoop. He has a magnifying glass and everything. Who makes these hamster sized items? Presumably other hamsters, but does that mean there are tiny hamster factories will little Chinese hamsters making these items someplace? That sounds adorable
Pashmina is interviewing Stan on his love for music. Like a true musician Stan uses the opportunity to hit on the reporter, asking if she would like to see his maracas. I heard Gene Simmons used that line on every single woman he ever had sex with.
Howdy and Dexter are doing a story on dog fighting. Not a story on how it is wrong, they are reporting on the fight. Boss is acting as a bookie apparently, writing in his book that two seeds are being wagered on the dog known as Big Red.
Maxwell tells everybody that despite their best efforts none of the stories are going to wow the readers. What readers? The only readers are going to be the people who wrote the stories, Maxwell is just being an asshole. He makes Pashmina and yellow one cry. Boss is about to punch Maxwell in his well deserving dick when its pointed out that Hamaro and Oxnard have not returned. Where could they be?
Laura still has no ideas, and that paper is way to big to write an article on. Then she see’s other girl drawing hamsters. Of course hamsters, how could she forget about the one interest she has. Sure she spends every waking moment talking about hamsters, talking to hamsters, drawing hamsters, buying hamster related merchandise, and writing hamster fan fiction but who would have thought about hamsters?
Fun Hamtaro Fact: Laura is a parody of a phenomenon where hamster related cartoons targeting single men in their 20s picked
up an obsessive side audience of little girls who let hamsters consume their entire life.
While searching for a scoop Hamtaro finds a frozen lake. Now this is a news story I can get behind. What is the deal with ice? Is it water or what? Ever notice how you can’t swim in ice? And water does not necessarily make my lemonade cooler. How can ice be water when the two things do not share the same traits? Try to answer that question Mr. Scientist.
Hamtaro tries to walk on the ice but falls. Ouch, thats what I call a slippery situation. Suddenly the rest of the hamsters are there. The excuse is that Oxnard ran back and got them and brought them to the pond within a matter of seconds. Maybe when he fell Hamtaro knocked himself out for a few hours.
Hamtaro thinks that the hamsters sliding around on the ice should be front page news and Maxwell agrees, double page scoop. Maxwell is just trying to suck up to Hamtaro because Hamtaro is awesome. There is no way Maxwell would shit all over a dog fight or Stan banging Pashmina but think this was rad. His two faced nature just help establish what a big asshole he is
Speaking of Stan he decides to ride his leaf, they are riding leaves on the ice somehow, to an island to write a story about the island for the paper. Hamtaro is bummed that Stanly is trying to “scoop his scoop” so the rest of the hamsters decide to also check out this island. Boss tells them to be careful, because the ice could crack. Maxwell insists it is safe. Then the ice starts to crack. Maxwell is such an asshole that god himself conspires against him.
The hamsters make it to the island, but how will they survive.
For her newspaper article Laura has drawn a bunch of pictures of hamsters on a giant piece of poster board. Maybe this is a newspaper for GIANTS!!!
Hamtaro Fun Fact: A GIANT was the prime minister of Japan from 1997 until 2004
Boss blames himself for the situation because he fell through the ice. Girl Stan blames Stan for trying to explore the island. We all know who is to blame, Maxwell. He said the ice was safe. He encouraged every ham to go to the island. He came up with the idea to make a news paper. Maxwell is an asshole.
The other hams, as if the sense what I just wrote, turn on Maxwell, making it clear that if he does not save them then he will be the first one sacrificed to the island gods the surely exist. In response Maxwell starts crying and then he poops himself. Seeing a turd shaped like a log come out of his loose butt hole makes Maxwell remember that logs float so they turn several logs into a raft and turn the raft into a boat by putting it into the water. However, because everything Maxwell touches turns into shit, the boat gets pulled towards a storm drain. I hope they survive. Its going to be weird if everybody’s hamster disappears on the same day. That would require a whole new school article on the great hamster genocide.
Hamtaro Fun Fact: The Great Hamster Genocide is the most depressing book in the Redwall series
Just as the ham-hams are about to die in the storm drain Maxwell is his least useless saving them by grabbing a branch and having everybody crawl up it to safety. They go on and on about how smart he is and thats his solution? Hamtaro totally could have figured that one out and been twice as charming. The hams all get off the boat but Maxwell is too incompetent to let go and falls, but misses the storm drain and lands on the grass instead. Maxwell is such an asshole he cannot even do us all a favor by dying when given the opportunity.
Some undetermined amount of time later the gang all heads over to Maxwell’s house where he is recovering from his near, but not near enough, death experience. They present him with a copy of the Ham-Ham Times depicting what happened on the boat. Without Maxwell to act as editor the paper was able to be produced without anybody almost dying.
That night Laura writes about how it was hard to hamster an idea for the school hamster but then she and hamster hamstered a hamster and it all hamstered in the end. Hamtaro.
The video file I have of this episode cuts out both the beginning and ending theme songs. I will not stand for this. Boo I say. Boo. Those were the best parts of the episode. Then as insult to injury the episode is about Maxwell, the most hugest asshole hamster evern. God I hate him. If I had the chance I would stab him. Stab him with a knife. A knife made out of racism.
Fact Hamtaro Fun
No rule 34 of Hamtaro exists because watching the TV show is enough to make you ejaculate.