Saved by the Bell: 110 “Beauty and the Screech”

Season 1 Episode 10
Airdate: October 21, 1989

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This episode opens in the hallway, as 90% of all Saved by the Bell episodes do. Zack checks out Kelly’s butt and then tells the audience that he enjoys the school week because “it gives me five days to plan my Saturday night.” Oh shutup, Zack. We know you don’t do anything on Saturday night. It’ll be a season and a half before you even get a girlfriend. Plus, you can’t drive, so you can’t even go anywhere. You spend your weekends at home watching SNL like every other 15-year-old.

Kelly won two tickets to see George Michael. Kelly likes George Michael. Slater and Zack both want to be her date. It’d be an easy way to take her out, since the tickets are free they won’t have to pay for anything. Kelly has to decide which one of these douchebags to take with her.

On to science class. Screech got his 37th straight A+ so the teacher awards him the Mertz Molecule Hat, a molecule display that fits on his head. Screech receives much applause inside the class and will receives much ass kicking outside of class. By the way, I think that teacher is Screech’s long lost father. They look alike. The Molecule Hat is an old family heirloom from the old country. “They chased our people out of Europe because we valued science. They stole our lunch money time and time again. We had to flee for America. You wear this crown, a symbol of our people. Though our numbers are low because few women will mate with us, we carry on.”

Kelly got an F on the science test. If she doesn’t improve her grade, her parents will not let her see George Michael. There is one more test that will count for half the final grade. Wow, that’s a shit ton of pressure. Zack knows how to help Kelly without doing any actually work himself. He gets Screech to tutor Kelly. “I will be your Yoda,” Screech tells her. Kelly doesn’t understand the reference.

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Kelly comes to Screech’s house for some tutoring. His bedroom is full of science things as well as a talking robot named Kevin. “You’re electrifying!” Kevin tells Kelly. Oh, robot sidekick!

It think that’s the same robot from Rocky IV. Remember how Rocky and his family owned a robot? What was up with that? That robot had to be expensive. I mean, back in the 80s, computers that are less powerful than your cell phone cost $5000. A robot that can interact with humans had to be, like, at least million dollars. And it’s only use was to serve Paulie drinks. Also, remember how the family had to sell all their possession in Rocky V, which came out around this time? Yeah, Rocky was always such a smart guy, it’s a mystery how he misspent all his money. I bet Screech bought their robot in a garage sale.

I always thought the Rocky movies were interesting, though, in that in the Rocky universe, Muhammad Ali apparently was never born so the greatest boxer ever turns out to be some retarded Italian guy (I know, that was redundant).

Anyway, Screech uses fun props to tutor Kelly. He has a display of dolls that are dressed as cheerleaders. This is supposed to teach Kelly about atoms. Screech sure has a lot of dolls. Nothing wrong with that.

Kelly enjoys this. “I wanted to show you that science is fun,” Screech tells her. Screech is putting together a demo reel. He hopes to land a science show on PBS.

Kelly leaves for the night. Kevin says to Screech, “She’s cute.” Kevin is constantly commenting on Kelly’s looks. He is just trying to compensate for the fact that he does not have a penis. It must be absolute torture to be a robot that has sexual feelings, for some odd reason, but is trapped in a metal body. He has no release what so ever. I don’t even think his arms move.

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Kelly and the other girls eat at the Max, like they do every day, yet never put on any weight. They must purge a lot.

Kelly is developing a crush on Screech, which shocks and appalls Lisa/the viewers. For your information, Screech has a long term crush on Lisa and she turning him down is a continuing gag on the show. Lisa is angry that someone could find Screech appealing. Lisa is more angry about this that she has any right to be. Lisa just wants Screech to be miserable and alone his whole life.

Screech enters the Max and he and Kelly sit at a table together. Kelly orders a shake and splits it with Screech. Max, the manager/magician uses a slight of hand trick to make another straw appear. He had that straw tucked in his armpit. Enjoy, Screech. That paper wrapper isn’t going to protect from armpit sweat.

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Screech and Kelly study again. Zack and Slater are jealous of Kelly’s interest in Screech so they both show up at Screech’s bedroom to ask for help with class. They also have crushes on Screech.

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In the bathroom, Slater and Zack talk about how humiliated they feel that Kelly likes a dork like Screech rather than one of them. Wow, they are both Screech’s friend but they really don’t like him. A couple of nerds were in the stalls (probably doing something gay with each other) and are so excited that one of their own managed to talk to a girl that they spread the gossip all over the school.

Soon, the entire world is talking about Kelly and Screech. It’s transmitted via satellites and is discussed by Gorbachev and Bush I. By this time the Cold War was winding down and there wasn’t a whole lot going on in the world stage.

Hey, there’s Barbara Bush. Boy, does she look old, way older than her husband. I guess that’s what happens when you drink non stop for several years, even while pregnant.

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Screech shows up at the Max and girls swarm around him. Now that Kelly has spent time with him, he is popular. Screech is confused but manages through it alright. Most nerds would pee their pants in this situation.

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Zack, Slater, Lisa and Jesse have pink bordered daydream (together, I think, somehow) in which the cool boys are now nerds while Screech is like James Bond, or at least Pee Wee Herman in a tuxedo. Kelly wears a pizza on her head. The whole world has gone mad!

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Zack and Slater think the best way to break up Kelly and Screech’s friendship is to tell Mr. Belding that they are getting married. Yeah, I don’t get it either. They tie some cans together in school, Belding takes the bait and sits Screech down for a (inadequate)man-to-(inadequate)man talk. “Screech, you can’t elope,” the principal tells him. This pisses Screech off. He fires back, “Who you calling a cantaloupe, you melon head?” This pisses Belding off.

Belding tells Screech that he cannot marry Kelly. Screech says that he is not going to marry Kelly. OK then. Zack and Slater’s plan to get Belding to talk to Screech was airtight up to the point until Belding actually talked to Screech. Christ, Zack, for someone who can stop time and see into the future, you really dropped the ball here.

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Kelly aced the final test thanks to Screech’s help. She invites him to the concert, but Screech turns her down because he hates George Michael. Good for you, Screech. A lesser nerd would have sucked up the shitty music, taken her home and taken advantage of her not-really-seeing-him-as-a-male attitude to lower her defenses to feel up her boob as she slept on the couch. But Screech, though, he is a man of honor. “Every ice cream cone has its last lick, Kelly,” Screech tells her, “and this one is ours.” Screech Powers, poet.

Zack and Slater pounce on the girl, but she doesn’t want to go with either of them. She gives them each a ticket. Zack and Slater agree to go together. Slater will pick Zack up, because we all know he would be in the man in this relationship.

Oh, if only slashfic sites existed in 1989.

Best Outfit:

Zack’s pink t-shirt with an image on the backside

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