Season 1 Episode 4
Airdate: June 27, 2011
On a date, Daphne and Liam discuss their survival strategies in the event of the Zombie-pocalypse. Daphne says she likes Liam as a boyfriend, but would still take his food at gunpoint. I’m going to take a break to tell you what I would do to survive a zombie outbreak. Johnny and I discussed this in 2004 after George Dumb-leyou Bu$h was reelected and it felt like the end of the world, am I right??? Remember how in Dawn of the Dead a group of human survivors barricaded themselves up in a mall? That is a great strategy, even though the mall got overrun in both movies. The problem is there aren’t any shopping malls in the Upper Peninsula, so my plan is to hole up in a K-mart. You see, in the event of a zombie outbreak, a lot of people would head for the Wal-mart for emergency supplies and that mega- store will get crowded quickly, which means the zombie infection will spread like wildfire. You would need to head somewhere where there will be no other people. Plus, a K-mart has many of the same goods as a Wal-mart. A K-mart will have plenty of food as long as you can survive off Doritos and Pepsi and Little Debbies. Also, zombies often retain rudimentary memories of what they did in their human lives, which means they will soon flock to Wal-mart out of habit. No zombies are going to go near K-mart.
The family will be hosting a fundraiser for Buckner Hall and the Kennish and Vasquez families will be there together. Daphne asks if she can invite her new boyfriend, Liam. Bay is shocked. Liam broke up with Bay in the first episode. Awkward! Bay shoots back that she is seeing Ty, Daphne’s ése from the barrio.
Bay wants Ty to come to the party, but he declines because it would awkward. Half his family does yard work for Buckner families. His is in a different world from Bay and the Buckner crowd and people who eat name brand cereal.
Melody, deaf Emmett’s deaf mom, comes to the guesthouse to have dinner with the Vasquez women. She tells Regina that she and her husband are separating. This would be serious if we had ever met her husband, and were not introduced to her only one episode ago.
Kathryn drinks a lot of wine and then the fancy soiree is underway. Kathryn orders more wine for the event. The Kennishs’ rich friends are all there and they all know about the switch.
“So if Bay’s not really your sister,” Toby’s bandmate says to him, “you could totally take a run at that.” And we move closer and closer to an incest episode. Toby’s garage band is supposed to provide music for the party, their drummer was grounded when his mom found porn on his computer. Daphne suggests Emmett as a replacement, but the boys point out that Emmett is a deaf. Daphne replies that music is merely feeling vibrations. This is true. Didn’t you fuckers ever watch Mr. Holland’s Opus? Besides, even if he is a poor drummer and can’t stay on time, it’s not like they’d be any worse than every other teenage garage band.
A man named Bruce talks to Regina about getting Daphne a scholarship to Buckner. Meanwhile, two women gossip about how Johnathon had to be having an affair and the switch is only a cover story. They gossip while Kathryn is right there. Only people on TV lack peripheral vision.
This hot Asian girl tries to talk to Emmett, but walks away when she discovers he is deaf. She is just insecure because if she were born deaf, her parents would have thrown her in the Yellow River. The only reason she is even alive today is that she was born with a little penis that fell off when she was 3.
Bay doesn’t like that a bunch of guys are talking to Daphne. Neither does Emmett. Kathryn warns Regina to stay away from Bruce, he’s a bad news bear. Everyone is jealous of someone else. Kathryn doesn’t like that her husband is having fun with Melody, as they are both into sports. Now she thinks he really will have an affair. Dear God is she dumb. “I never asked any questions when you were away in spring training or off on the road,” she tells him after about 12 gallons of wine. I would watch out if I were Melody. The last time the family hosted a party it was for an episode of Kathryn’s canceled reality series, The Real Housewives of OKC, so Kathryn thinks she has to pull out a bitch’s weave tonight.
John tells the bitch she is crazy, but in a polite way. They make up. “You’re going to get lucky tonight,” smirks Johnathon. But we’ll take you a different hospital in 9 months.
Kathryn takes the stage. She introduces Regina to everyone as “the mother of my husband’s love child.” There she goes, trying to force reality show drama! Actually, that was Kathryn’s dumb attempt at a joke. She explains to everyone that John would never cheat on her and the two families are getting along well and please stop handing Regina your jackets, she is not the help.
Liam kisses Daphne by the pool. Daphne cries and says they have to break up because Bay doesn’t like this and she needs to get along with Bay. Then Ty shows up and leaves with Bay. Bay is a cunt to Daphne. A sad song plays in the background. It sounds like a girl singing. Man, Toby has a really good falsetto.