Switched at Birth: 1.09 “Paradise Lost”

Season 1 Episode 9
Airdate: August 1, 2011

Daphne eats breakfast in the Kennish kitchen. Kathryn talks her and Daphne replies in Bay’s voice! And can hear! Daphne sees Bay sign with Regina at a café. Now Bay is deaf. Emmett stops by and he and Bay kiss in front of Daphne.

Daphne wakes up. It was a dream. Good, because I assumed it was ABC Family forgetting continuity. Like they fired all their writers after episode 8 was written and hired a bunch of new people who didn’t bother to watch the old episodes. By the way, how does Daphne know what their voices sound like?

Regina has been sleeping on Melody’s couch for the past two days after having been exiled. Melody says that is long enough and she should go back to Kamp Kennish. Melody kicks Regina out but does it in the nicest way to possibly do so, by complimenting her and calling her strong and then refusing to give her more coffee.

At the real Kennish breakfast, plans are underway for a birthday party for both Daphne and Bay. They see Regina return. Daphne goes to the guest house but does not want to talk to her. Also Grandma Vasquez is back and wants to know why Regina never told her about the switch. Grandma assumed all these years that Regina had an affair and that was why Daphne was so light. Also, Regina and Grandma keep calling Daphne blonde. She looks like a redhead to me. Maybe Hispanics use the word “blonde” for every hair color lighter than dark brown. Maybe other non-white people do as well. To the Japanese, every American is blonde.

John and Kathryn talk to their lawyer about getting custody of Daphne. The lawyer warns that a custody fight would drag on until she is 18, at which point custody would be a moot point. And if they evict Regina, she would have a legal right to take Daphne with her. The system is against them!

Over lunch, Bay shows Emmett a mural of a girl with a hammer that she spray-painted onto the wall of a building. Emmett has seen murals like that one all around town. Bay is kind of an asshole that way.

Daphne shoves a girl during basketball practice. John, who is the coach, tells Melody that Daphne is upset about that woman Regina. “That woman is her mother,” signs Melody. John can’t read sign language. But he probably doesn’t care what Melody has to say, anyway.

While hanging out with Emmett, Bay meets Melody, but can barely understand her signing. Melody doesn’t like that her son has interest in a girl who can hear. Melody is a deaf racist.

Kathryn is super eager to be the only mom in Daphne’s life and rustle the fridge for some leftovers to fed her. Now, Kathryn knows that Daphne is vegetarian, but Kathryn is also an idiot and keeps offering her dishes with meat. Daphne finally settles on shrimp. It’s basically the dumbest animal in the fridge, so Daphne can feel the least guilty about eating it and it gets Kathryn to stop. But now Kathryn will assume shrimp is a vegetable.

Regina tries to reach out to Bay by telling her about the time she went to her piano recital when Bay was six. You have to have the love of a true parent to go to one of those. Six year-olds suck at piano. Regina even gave her a boost to reach the water fountain. Bay is still mad, telling Regina that she always felt like she didn’t belong with her family and it took her this long to know why. Harry Potter also felt like he didn’t belong. Turns out he was a wizard. To make a long story short, when Bay was 12, she ran away to Scotland to find Hogwarts. Outside of Edinburgh, she was about to be raped by a gang of rowdy ginger soccer hooligans (they wear the kilts for easier access) but was saved by the Highlander. That’s the story. Watch the episode if you don’t believe me.

The Kennishs take Bay and Daphne car shopping for their 16th birthday. Daphne doesn’t really want one, but John and Kathryn get her a sedan. Bay knows what she wants: a military-grade, amphibious four-wheel drive vehicle. Bay likes that it is unusual and can haul things “without inflicting another SUV on the road.” Yeah, but an amphibious 4×4 sounds like it would get worse gas mileage than an SUV. There is a sticker on the windshield that says “Gas Saver” but car dealerships are full of liars. It probably only gets good gas mileage when it is in water and you raise the sail. I also suspect Bay’s car turns into a Transformer.

Regina is angry that the Kennishs bought Daphne a car and wants it sent back. John and Kathryn tell Regina to suck a fuck, and to stop the adults from fighting Daphne agrees to take the car back. When she tries to back out, she rear ends Bay’s car. Megatron is going to be so pissed!

During the night, Bay and Emmett sneak over to a blank billboard near Buckner. Bay wants to paint her art over it. But the two scram when they hear police sirens. Bay is running from the cops. Now she’s living like a Hispanic! The two cut themselves when they jump a fence and hide behind Bay’s new armored assault vehicle, that I am pretty sure the future Tokyo police use in several dystopian anime.

The next day is the Birthday! Bay claims the cut on her hand came from a rosebush. Glam rockers Posion warned us, every rose has its thorn. The girls pose for a birthday photo.

Melody finds a rag with blood on it and asks Emmett about it. Emmett, not knowing what else to say, claims he started his period. Melody is confused and drops the issue until they arrive at the birthday party that evening and she sees that Bay has an injury. Melody now thinks Emmett got injured from having sex with Bay. That sounds like an insane idea of what sex constitutes.

The birthday party is a small dinner at the Kennish home because the show wants to get it mileage out of this set. At the table are the birthday girls, the Kennish family, Grandma Vasquez, and Melody and Emmett. Regina approaches the table. John doesn’t want her there, but Bay does and Toby offers her is seat. Kathryn makes a retarded speech. Then Emmett gives Bay a scarf.

Bay is happy until she sees that he gave Daphne a much more meaningful gift. A poster from a Deafenstein, a deafsploitation flick they love. It is Dolomite for deaf people. Emmett drove 150 miles to get it autographed by the star or director or some guy or whoever. Bay is jealous, but come on, you got the car of your dreams, bitch. Also, you should love a scarf. Artsy people wear scarves.

When they are alone, Emmett reveals that it is not a scarf. It is a blindfold. He puts it over her and then the fun begins!

He takes her to the billboard which now features her artwork. “You did that?” Bay asks. I assume he rented the billboard? Weren’t they running from the cops just last night? It seems like short notice for Emmett to contact the company and for them to get that artwork up. Emmett says he is sorry that he hasn’t told Daphne about their relationship. Bay says it would be better if she did.

In her room, Daphne watches Deafenstein and reads the pun Emmett wrote on the card. Bay is about to tell Daphne about Emmett, but before she does that Daphne says that she loves Emmett. Oh my!

Final Thoughts:

When did this show get good all of the sudden?