The 30 Rock Porn Parody (NSFW, Obviously)

“They made a porn movie about Sarah Palin and then the same adult actress, Lisa Ann, played me in a porn parody of 30 Rock. Weirdly, of the three of us, Lisa Ann knows the most about foreign policy.” — Tina Fey

Yes, there exists an adult film parody of 30 Rock. For anyone who has ever wondered what it would be like if the Liz Lemon and the gang started having sex with each other, this is for you. It was released in August 24, 2009 by a California company called New Sensations and is entitled 30 Rock: A XXX Parody. Which is too straightforward. I would have expected the title to be a humorous sexual pun. That’s how it works with porn parodies of TV and movies as done on sitcoms. They should have named something like 30 Cocks or 30 Rock Hard Cocks or 30 Rockin’ Cocks. The possibilities are endless!

The movie begins at the mansion of Trey Jordan, the blacktastic star of the low-rated sketch comedy TCS with Trey Jordan. My first thought is that the guy they got is doing the worst Tracy Morgan impression ever. Impersonating Tracy Morgan is one of the easiest celebrities to do. Everyone can do a Christopher Walken, and everyone should be able to do a Tracy Morgan. It’s simple, all you do is be all, “I am black and LOUD. I’ma gonna take my shirt off!” But this guy isn’t doing it very well. Oh well, I suppose he is the best actor the producers could get. It must have been incredibly hard to find a black man with a large penis who was willing to have sex with white girls for money.

Trey speaks directly to the camera and shows us around his home MTV Cribs style while reminding us again and again that he is rich. “You see this railing?” he says. “This used to be Tyler Perry’s. I stole it.” OK, I got to hand it to whoever wrote this script, because that is a joke they’d have used in 30 Rock. Trey’s fridge is empty, except for a cell phone he uses to order Chinese. He also tells us he stole his bed from Chris Angel “Fuck you, Chris Angel,” says Trey.

His shower has wide, transparent doors, apparently for shower scenes. This is obviously a house that a lot of pornographic movies have been filmed in. I wonder if New Sensations rents it or owns it outright. I don’t know what the profit margins are in pornography, but a McMansion in southern California has to be expensive. It would be more economical to sneak a camera into an open house showing and ask the real estate agent where the master bedroom is.

Trey talks about TCS’s sketches, all of which use the word “black” in their title, such as “Black to the Future” with a reference to a “fluxcablackator”. These sketches appear to be in the same vein as they are in 30 Rock i.e. awful. Trey informs us he has been getting a lot of criticism because the show contains so many black jokes, so he recorded a public service announcement for black people. It was to tell them to stop stealing.

Finally, Trey wants to show us his big black cock. It is, of course, a chocolate rooster. Again, the humor here is pretty consistent with 30 Rock. So far, I am more impressed by this parody that I expected to be.

The opening credits are also in the style of 30 Rock. Most the main characters are going to be parodied/fucked. Lutz and Toofer appear to be absent, which disappoints me more than I would have thought. I think I should tell this to my therapist, but he gets pretty disturbed by the things I say as it is and warned me that I have two strikes toward being dropped as a patient.

That’s the first five minutes. I would have pretty much been happy with an hour of Trey swearing, but we have to move onto the first sex scene. Darn. It’s between the Jack Donoughy guy (named Jake here) and his nurse girlfriend, who was played by Salma Hayek in the show. Playing the porn version of a Salma Hayak character seems like a big challenge for a porn actress. That’s a ton of sexy to channel. If she can pull this off, she’ll be the Meryl Streep of porn. And then she’ll be able to play in the porn version of Margaret Thatcher in Thatcher Fucks Britain. As well as the sequel Thatcher Fucks Britain 2: A Right Good Wank.

To keep this page PG-13, I have covered up all of the naughty bits with Alec Baldwin’s head.

Jake sits at his desk and wonders what he can do to stroke TCS’s low ratings. “How about I stroke your ratings?” asks his girlfriend, “until they grow?” No, she actually says this. So it begins. Jake places his mouth to her breasts. Then she gets on her knees and licks his penis before placing it between her boobs. If you’re portraying Salma, you got to emphasis your boobs. Next, Jake lifts her up and bangs her on his desk. “I’m your boss,” he moans, which made me laugh. Then she licks his wiener again. There is quite a bit of that. Then he penetrates her butt and she licks his penis again. I don’t care if it was in your butt, putting your mouth on a penis after it has been there seems unsanitary. I hope the director called cut so they could wash that up first. They do a reverse cowgirl on his desk. After that, they kiss. Finally, a bit of romance! It ends with him splooging on her boobs.

While his girlfriend sits naked atop his desk, Jake has an epiphany on how to save TCS. “We’ll add sex!” he exclaims. She is pleased to have been his sticky muse.

That’s the first half-hour. That sex scene was about 25 minutes long.

Time to get away from the porn and back to parody in this porn parody. The Kenneth the page character (creatively renamed Ken) guides a tour group through the TCS offices. He introduces the group to the Jenna Maroney character (Jenny Marona). She likes the attention, but like on 30 Rock, Trey comes by and steals it from her. “Beep beep, bop bop. I’m a black robot motherfucker,” he says while moving like a robot. The tour group loves it. Jenny tries to get in on it. “I’m a black robot, too,” she says copying Trey. Someone in the tour group calls her racist. Trey thanks the white people in the tour for making him rich. “See this chain?” he says. “It was Dracula’s.” OK, I take back what I wrote earlier. I am really warming up to this dude’s take on Tracy. He is totally getting into the rhythm of impersonating the 21st century’s fourth most iconic black comedian.

Ken brings the tour to the producer of TCS, Liz Limon. This Lisa Ann chick really does look like (an incredibly well-endowed) Tina Fey. It’s uncanny! Ken delivers a message from her doctor: “It’s not a growth. It’s a small vibrating rubber toy that must have gotten stuck in your [whispers] vagina.” The tour group snickers. That’s a 30 Rock joke right there, except sex toy would be replaced with some sort of Cheeto-like snack and Kenneth would have used some country euphemism for vagina. “And on the right is the bathroom if anyone needs to tinkle,” Ken says as he leads the tour away. I like this guy. He is doing Kenneth about as well as Bishop is doing Tracy.

Liz has to meet Jake on the set of a Welcome Back Kotter sketch. Jake thinks the idea is dated and jokingly asks if they are going to do Spartacus next. This is when an actor in a toga asks when are they going to shoot the gay gladiator sketch. Jake then insults Liz, saying she dresses like a Wal-mart greeter. At this moment, I thought that the actor doing Alec Baldwin looks more like Brian Williams, and then my mind jumped to the idea of a gay porn with him and someone who looks like Bill O’Reilly. You guys at New Sensations can have that idea for free. Call it something like Fox Tops NBC News. Liz is tired of Jake interfering with her show and will not accept any more of his changes. Jake then threatens to make Trey an executive producer if she holds out.

He is wearing a bathrobe and boxers.

Liz imagines Trey will turn that into appointing himself King of the Show and making outrageous demands from his throne.

Trey: I want to have a midget in a clown outfit fighting a large dog with nunchuks.

Liz: I don’t think we can do anymore animal sketches.

Trey: Sketch?

So she agrees to listen as Jake tells her she must add sex to the show. Sex sells on TV, he says. “Microwave ovens are in a different story,” states Jake. “You need violence to sell microwaves.” Liz and Jake walk away, leaving Jenny to close the scene by saying, “Welcome Black Kotter”.  This scene was funnier than any in the current season of 30 Rock.

You can’t see it in this screencap, but the writing on Fred’s hipster trucker cap says “BONER”.

We go to the writers’ room. The camera focuses on the Cerie character’s (named Cherry) rear in short shorts, representing the gaze of the Pete Hornberger guy (Peter). Trey wants the Frank character (Fred) to write a zombie Amish cop sketch for him. Fred is up for it. Liz enters to inform them that the show now has to include sex. Trey and Jenny high-five. Liz says they can pull this off as long as they maintain their integrity and don’t write any sketches “about guys in a white van picking up amateurs”.  Take THAT amateur van porn guys!

Everyone leaves the room but Jenny and Fred. Jenny tries to suggest he write a real great sex scene for her in order to make her more famous. But Fred is really dumb (which I don’t think Frank is) and doesn’t get the hint. So Jenny comes right out and says, “I’m just going to fuck the shit out of you and you’re going to write me a good sketch.” There is a time and a place for subtly and pornographic movies are not that place.

That leads us into the second sex scene, which begins with Jenny sucking Fred’s wiener. Then she rides him on the table, and then he lies down while she sucks his penis again. The camera focuses heavily on Jenna’s rear throughout all of this.  Her butt is the star of this scene, which quite logically ends with Fred cumming all over it. This pairing is appropriate because Jenna and Frank did in fact do it on 30 Rock.

This takes us to the one hour mark. In the hallway, Peter tosses a pencil on the floor so he can watch Cherry pick it up. Cherry dresses about the same as Cerie on 30 Rock. There wasn’t anything about Cerie that needed to be changed for this parody because there is no possible way to make her look sluttier unless she was naked. While Cherry is talking to him, Peter fantasizes about having sex with her. One, I like that the actor playing Pete is a guy wearing a bald cap. Two, this is faithful to the show. If everyone in 30 Rock paired off to have sex, Peter would still be left out and have to imagine it.

Now whenever I watch 30 Rock, I will imagine Pete Hornberger with that same douchebag tattoo.

Cherry licks his penis and then places it between her breasts. Then he bangs her on his desk and she licks his wang some more. He bangs her while lying on the floor and then on the desk again. It ends with him splooging on her breasts.

We go back to reality, where Cherry ends her story about getting this job after having sex with a guy in an Armani suit. Peter thanks her for that and walks away. All the guys standing in the hallway throw pens on the floor for her to pick up. Cherry is used to this.

We are about one hour twenty minutes in. Liz Limon is going through a file cabinet. What’s weird is that it’s a file cabinet on the ‘Welcome Black Kotter’ set. I don’t know what she could be looking for in a prop cabinet. You’d think the script coordinator would have spotted a mistake like this. Her boyfriend, Danny the beeper salesman (based on Dennis on 30 Rock), approaches her. Danny is here because he has not been able to get a hold of her. Liz  changed her phone number, so Danny bought her a beeper so she will know when he calls her.

Lisa Ann has a solid Tina Fey voice, but comes off as really bored. I wonder if she is trying to channel the way Liz Lemon is often exhausted by the craziness at work, but it comes off as poor acting (I know, poor acting in a porno, that’s a letdown). The actors doing Tracy, Kenneth, Jenna, and Jack are enthusiastic to be pretending to be on 30 Rock, but Lisa Ann is so quiet that it’s hard to understand her. I don’t know if Lisa Ann is just a quiet talker or it’s an audio problem brought on by the fact that there was no good spot to fix a microphone to her because her blouse is open ¾ of the way down to her navel.

She’s got the voice and the looks, but Lisa Ann is the weakest actor of the bunch when she is ostensibly supposed to be the star. It’s like how Sarah Michelle Geller was the weak link on Buffy, and Buffy the Vampire Humper: A XXX Parody was mostly centered on Willow and the sex scene she had with Oz, who was portrayed by a golden retriever.

Getting back to the movie, Liz likes that Danny called her “princess” so agrees to sex with him on the set while his friend records it.

Time for Liz Lemon to get some.

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