The Glee Project: 2.11 “Glee-ality”

Season 2 Episode 11
Airdate: August 14, 2012

It’s down to Ali, Aylin and Blake. Ali and Aylin do 99% of the talking in the playpen, while Blake sits quietly playing with some wire thing as he realizes that being with alone in a dorm room with two girls is less exciting than he always fantasized.

“I want to show Muslim women that it’s not a sin to be like me,” Aylin tells us. I don’t think Aylin cared about being a role model for Islam until Ryan Murphy and his minions expressed interest in her being one.

Robert enters to announce that the theme is “Glee-ality” and the kids are all excited like they know what the hell that even means. I once read that whenever the girls on America’s Next Top Model do those loud girly screams of excitement in a group (like they do at least ten times every episode), it is because a producer told them to, and will force them to do it over and louder until the producer is satisfied with their level of enthusiasm. Perhaps that is the case with The Glee Project as well.

The final homework song is “You Can’t Stop the Beat” from the musical Hairspray. Robert announces a surprise. They will have to perform naked.

No, I got that confused with Hair. What actually happens is the eliminated contestants are brought back to sing backup, both on the homework song and the video. They are all here, Charlie, DANI!, Nellie, the blind one, the tranny, the gaysian, the fat girl, etc.

Aw, we’re back bitches!” proclaims Charlie, who immediately attacks Aylin with his slobber. Aylin gushes, “I’m so happy Charlie’s here.” I’m waiting for their Oxygen channel spin-off, Glee Presents: I’m In Love with an Autistic Boy. The premise will be that Aylin and Charlie hook up after the show and get an apartment together. However, Charlie’s autism will clash with Aylin’s strict Muslim family in weird ways.

INT. Confessional

AYLIN: Charlie is coming over for his first dinner with my family. I am really excited…but also really nervous that his autism will clash with my strict Muslim family in weird ways.

.

EXT. Aylin’s Family’s Home.

Charlie arrives in an ill-fitting suit. He is holding a slab of pork from the supermarket.

Aylin answers the door.

CHARLIE: Hey boo. I brought something for dinner.

.

–Cut to–

INT. Confessional

AYLIN: Charlie brought pork. What the doink!

.

–Return to–

EXT. Aylin’s Family’s Home.

AYLIN: Boo, my family doesn’t eat pork. It’s not halal.

CHARLIE: I know. It’s just for me. I figured I probably wouldn’t like what your family made. Have your mom stick it in the oven for me.

Charlie kisses Aylin on the forehead and hands her the pork slab.

Robert introduces the guest judge as “the actual inspiration for The Glee Project.” It’s Chris Colfer, who plays Kurt. Colfer auditioned for Artie and wasn’t considered right for the part, but Ryan Murphy liked Chris so much he created Kurt just for him. Robert says this is the goal of the contestants, to “inspire Ryan to create a role for you as Chris did”. You want to inspire the Glee writers to be as lazy as fucking possible. Chris Colfer is an effeminate homosexual playing an effeminate homosexual on TV. Neil Patrick Harries and the dude who plays Sheldon on The Big Bang Theory are doing more acting than him. I don’t want to rag on Colfer since he seems nice enough and Glee is not his fault. It’s just fortunate that the boy can sing really well so he doesn’t end up like Sean Hayes after Will & Grace. Or Cory Monetieth after Glee.

And the kids sing. When Ali sings a lyric “goes from white to black” we are shown Tyler. The editor has a sense of humor.

Chris’ thoughts on the three:

  • Blake: Loved his dancing and intensity.
  • Aylin: Impressed she kept her volume up while moving around.
  • Ali: Was “a character”.

The producers told Chris to say he can’t pick a winner, so all three will get mentoring time with him. Blake’s session will take place at Chris’ home this evening. “Wow Kurt, it’s really hot in here.” “Yes, my air conditioning is broken. How dreadfully unfortunate and unfortunately dreadful! Feel free to take your clothes off to cool down. In fact, I insist you do.”

The final music video’s song will be “Tonight, Tonight” by something referred to as Hot Chelle Rae, and the setting will be a high school prom. Each kid will play a character.

Aylin is sneaking out to prom against her parents’ wishes.

Blake is the popular but humble prom king. “A fictional character,” jokes Chris, who is probably still bitter because his class prom king refused his drunken offer of a blowjob years ago.

Ali will be a flirty mean girl. So, Ali will be the only one who will have to do any acting.

Onto choreography and vocals, which include the losers. Zack asks for a big hug at the end of their last session. I would have expected a big “Fuck you” since Zack seems to feel that way every time he has to do these. They all did well with Nikki. Move along people, onto the video shoot.

Robert, Nikki, and Zack discuss the kids as they film their parts. They wonder if Aylin will be able to “handle the backlash” and “take the pressure” of being a Muslim on TV. Do they think Glee will get fatwas if Aylin is shown not be a traditional Muslim? Like when South Park did their Mohammed episodes? Or, wait, maybe they are referring to anti-Islamic sentiment in the US? Because there was a Muslim woman who won Miss USA a two years back—no headscarf, wore a bikini—and neither fundamentalist Muslims nor Americans who dislike Muslims seemed to care. She generated far less controversy than the transgender woman who wanted to enter Miss USA Canada earlier this year.

For the sake of James Zogby and the people of CAIR, I kind of hope Aylin loses. Because or else they are going to be forced say something nice about Glee. Like GLAAD has to every time a public figure says anything even the least bit positive about LGBT people.

 

Howard Stern: I think the dykes should be able to get married. Two chicks is hot. I would be even more in favor of gay marriage if every dyke couple would let me join them on their honeymoon. So I guess if the dykes can get married, then the fairies can too. Fair is fair.

On the subject of Chaz Bono, I don’t care what that fat pig does to himself, but I bet he has a bigger cock than any man who works here. We should bring Chaz in and have a dick-measuring contest with all the guys. But Baba Booey wouldn’t want to do it. He’d be embarrassed. Chaz Bono has a bigger dick that Baba Booey.

Robin: Whahahahahahahahaha Oh Howard!

 

 That afternoon, GLAAD will release a statement like this:

We want to thank Howard Stern for his strong support of gay, lesbian and transgender individuals. His statements this morning will serve as a positive message of LGBT acceptance to his millions of listeners.

Anyway, the judges say that Blake has been “the most consistent” and Ali is also very good. Before the kids are done, Erik the director announces, “I’m going to bring a special guest to this prom tonight.”

It’s season 1 co-winner Damian McIrish, looking like Frank Sinatra before he got HIV. He has some final words for the kids. I think this is what he tells them:

Kangaroo lashions toad tofftree. Eye get hard so munch about yoo gays. Eye rumambar eshlatchy lachitwoz yecherdah. Yoo khantoose annietring. Yoo khan oonly gum samwhich so lach rok.

— Damian McIrish, 08/14/12

 

I will assume that was inspiring. Or maybe it was drunken rant about the British.

Tomorrow, the kids will learn which one of them has won a temporary job.

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