You love ’em, we got ’em: All the dudes of Degrassi Junior High, ranked by Hunkness.
18. Scott “Scooter” Webster
Scooter doesn’t qualify for this list because he is under five feet tall and is perpetually ten years old. The only thing he would be good for is finding the way to the yellow brick road, but he probably couldn’t even do that. Scooter exists solely to eat “cheesies,” his dwarf fodder of choice, to be lifted up by Dwayne and to be really really annoying. That is why he is at the bottom of my list.
17. Bartholomew Bond
Hunkness rating: DQ
Bartholomew Bond is also disqualified based on height requirements. Seriously, there isn’t a kid in the world that is more obnoxious than this kid. He and Scooter once fed cheesies to a rat and the rat didn’t get fat so they concluded that junk food is healthy. Shortly after that, the rat died of malnutrition. Barth also died shortly after that. Well, I wish he had.
16. Alex Yankou
Hunkness rating: F-
I can’t think of a character that is less of a loser than Alex. I’m pretty sure he only got credited in the earlier episodes as “LOSER 1.” Anyway, Alex is on yearbook committee and student council, and takes these positions very seriously. He gradually gets more appearances and becomes a bit less loser-ish in Degrassi High, but most of his time on DJH is spent tagging behind Stephanie, preventing her from hooking up with Simon.
15. Arthur Kobalewsky
Hunkness rating: F
Arthur is a good-natured chum, but unlike his sister Stephanie, I guess he got stuck with the ugly genes. Arthur is the foil to Yick: Yick is the cool, skinny, fun one. Arthur is the dorky, fat, voice of reason who wears his housekey around his neck. Nevertheless, the two had good times together, like watching pornography, calling Dr. Sally the sex doctor about Arthur’s wet dreams, watergun fights, and calling each other broomheads. Around season 3, Arthur’s mom wins the lottery so he starts wearing berets and turns into a bigger, even fatter loser.
14. Joey Jeremiah
Hunkness rating: D-
Joey is supposed to be the cool kid that rules Degrassi Junior High but unfortunately he is a total moron. He plays the keyboard in The Zit Remedy but everyone knows that keyboards are lame. Joey is constantly attempting to pick up chicks. His failure is exemplefied in his pick-up line to Liz: “Do you wanna… do it?” Joey flunks the 8th grade and has to stay behind a year, when he meets Caitlin, who he has an off-an-on relationship with throughout the series. The only friends he has are Snake and Wheels. He befriends Rick at one point but Rick is smart enough to see that Joey is essentially a spoiled brat in a fedora.
13. Wai “The Chubby Chinese Kid” Lee
Hunkness rating: D-
The first time I ever noticed The Chubby Chinese Kid, he was making a speech in Mr. Raditch’s class about how awesome television was. So naturally, I took a liking to him. Then he went and spoiled it by taking his shirt off in that swimming race episode. The truth is, he’s chubby. And not in a lovable or attractive way.
12. Dwayne Myers
Hunkness rating: D
Duane establishes himself as a bully early on by exclusively wearing black t-shirts, camo pants, and combat boots. Joey accidently picks a fight with him by saying he’s in class 8D… “D for dumb.” Joey deservingly pees himself. Dwayne doesn’t do much in DJH besides intimidate Joey and pick Scooter up, but lucky for us (and not lucky for him), there are some more Dwayne-centered plots in Degrassi High.
11. Tim O’Connor
Hunkness rating: D
I don’t really know why I included this guy or why I even knew his last name; he basically only appears in the theme song. But I guess he is on the journalism team. Either way, he’s better-looking than any of the aforementioned guys, so, D it is.
10. Luke Cassellis
Hunkness rating: D+
Besides his creepy eyes, Luke really isn’t all that ugly. But alas, he is a notorious life-ruiner. He is the bad seed that pressures Shane into doing acid, and doesn’t fess up to it, even when questioned by police. So it’s clear that Luke doesn’t try very hard to learn from his mistakes.
9. Archibald “Archie” “Snake” Simpson
Hunkness rating: C-
Too lanky for his own good, Snake towers over Joey and Wheels by about 2 feet. He usually appears sporting flowery swim trunk-looking shorts and a slight hunch. Snake is the most rational one of the three, but has terrible taste in women, as he crushes on Melanie, who is a full year younger than he is. The two go on a slew of awkward dates before Snake stops trying. Snake is a decent athlete but he is no match for his gay older brother Glen. Besides getting into a sissyfight with BLT, Snake doesn’t do anything terribly interesting, which suits him quite well.
8. Shane McKay
Hunkness rating: C
Usually well-dressed, Shane comes from a conservative family who wants to send him to private school after he impregnates Spike. He’s usually found sneaking down the halls at Degrassi like a creep, looking longingly after his baby mama. He is generally soft-spoken but takes a trip to the wild side after he gets bored of paying $5 a week for child support and starts hanging out with Luke, who pressures him into drugs at a Gourmet Scum concert. Acid does not sit well with 13-year-olds and Shane jumps off a bridge, becoming comotose for the rest of the season. Fortunately he returns later on; unfortunately he looks even more creepy.
7. Yick Yu
Hunkness rating: C+
Yick is the lovable young idiot in Degrassi Junior High. His parents are poor Chinese immigrants who washed up on Toronto’s shores. Anyway, besides spending all of his time procrastinating and getting bad grades, Yick usually hangs out with Arthur and eats junk food. Where Yick gets high marks is his taste in pornography: he manages to convince Arthur to watch a porno called “Swamp Sex Robots.” Man, this kid’s got taste.
6. Bryant Lester “BLT” Thomas
Hunkness rating: B-
BLT doesn’t get much airtime in DJH, playing a silent extra for a while until he catches the eye of the shy Michelle in the third season. The two attempt to date but Michelle’s parents turn out to be racist. Other than that, he teases Snake about his gay brother, and I don’t really remember him doing anything else. I don’t even think this is him in the picture to the left. I think this is just some random extra throwing a frisbee in the theme song, but I don’t really remember what BLT looks like anyway.
5. Simon Dexter
Hunkness rating: B
Simon appears in season 2 and immediately captures the attention of Alexa. The two basically stick side-by-side for the rest of the series because Simon basically has no brain of his own and people with no brains stick together. Despite this, he is still a hunk because the 8th graders instantly recognize him as being “the dude” from the Dude Jeans ad. Simon doesn’t have any friends of his own and is bordering on metrosexual but hey, he is pretty much a chick magnet in his denim.
Hunkness rating: B
Paul is basically Clutch’s studly sidekick at Bordem High. He meets Lucy when the kids from Degrassi have to commute to Bordem every day for science class and the two begin to date. Paul is 2 years older than Lucy and hopes to get in her pants but Lucy holds back because she isn’t ready. So close, Paul. Paul is a hunky 11th grader but unfortunately he does not hold up to the high taste of Lucy, who dumps him for Clutch.
Hunkness rating: B+
Clutch is Bordem High’s resident stud with his long, flowing locks and his Tennessee Football sweatshirt. He establishes himself as a bully but cannot fend off the affection of both Lucy and Erica because he is such a hunk. He is prone to use his fake ID to buy booze and becomes an alcoholic at the ripe young age of 15. He buys alcohol for the Zit Remedy boys and takes about half of it for commission. The boys don’t argue because they will never measure up to Clutch’s studliness.
2. Derek “Wheels” Wheeler
Hunkness rating: A
Wheels gets the rap of being a ladies’ man early on when he is the first one to come close to “doing it” when he buys condoms for a date with Stephanie Kaye. Unluckily Steph’s mom recognizes him from the drugstore and shoos him away. He comes to the call of damsel-in-distress Lucy using his new PedoVision(TM) glasses to rescue her from Mr. Colby, the pedophile. Wheels becomes a troubled kid after his adoptive parents get killed in a car crash and he runs away to run with his awesome rockstar dad, Mike, but eventually he becomes friends again with fellow Zit Remedy members and losers Joey and Snake.
1. Rick Munro
Hunkness rating: A+
Rick is the nonchalant, blue-jean-jacket-wearing, cigarette-smoking preteen bad boy that woos all the girls. He gets off to a bad start because of his abusive dad, who beats him after he gives Joey a coke, but Rick ditches both of them to live with his awesome Harley-riding brother, Frank. Rick puts smooth moves on Caitlin as a gaffer in the school play, later putting up with her environmental protest crap in order to attract her. He ditches Caitlin for being too much of a goody-goody and sparks a flame with Kathleen because they both have crappy parents. Anyway, Rick’s best quality is that he wins $20 in the lottery and spends it wholly on… licorice.