The L.A. Complex: 1.05 “Home”

Season 1 Episode 5
Airdate: February 7, 2012

Connor is all hopped up on goofballs at work. Or else he can float. At which point he should screw off with acting and make money as the first person to master the power of flying a few inches off the ground.

Connor’s state is screwing up filming. That Aussie bastard is probably high on too much Vegemite. That shit will fuck you up, it’s so disgusting. You know, every nation has their own unique spread to put on bread, but none of them are as tasty as good old American peanut butter.

Connor is sent home for being intoxicated at work.

Those screenwriter dudes are filming a movie with Legos when Raquel tells them that the dentist is going to make their movie. This is good news. None of them understand how movies are made.

Nick is taking an improv class. After the teacher tells him to jump in and improv, Nick jumps in and improvises about coffee. It doesn’t go well until a woman jumps in to save his skinny behind. Nick kisses her. The others in the class cheer. They are all wannabe comics, any time one of their own touches a woman it is cause for celebration. Of course she slaps him.

Alicia buys a new car. She tells the salesman she has new job, but can’t admit it is in porn. I can’t imagine that being an adult film actress would pay enough to buy a nice new car. Maybe it can, but she has yet to actually filmed anything. This dealership did not perform a proper credit check.

Over at the studio Tariq interns at, Abby is recording a song. She is pretending to be Tariq’s girlfriend so no one will think he is gay. The producer is impressed, but Kaldrick corners Abby in a room and threatens to have her killed if she outs him.

At the porn place, Alicia gets dressed in a tiny little latex dress. Everyone is super nice to her because it is her first day.  But Alicia gets cold feet when she meets the man she is going to have sex with and backs out. If this episode follows The L..A. Complex rules, Alicia’ll be in that outfit for the rest of the episode.

Raquel and the screenwriting duo celebrate in the pool. But the dentist makes a surprise visit and catches her with alcohol. The dentist is in AA and Raquel pretended to be an alcoholic in order to talk to him. He says it is too early in his recovery to be around Raquel, so he retracts his offer to finance her film.

Abby left the studio crying. She told Tariq why, but no one besides Kaldrick knows the truth. Kaldrick plays macho and claims she wanted to have sex with him. “Yes, she was like, ‘I want you to insert your penis into my vagina and’…um…go back and forth? Yes, go back and forth. I’ve gone back and forth many times. Many times, indeed.”

Tariq quits because of this. Kaldrick follows him outside and explains that he has to do what he can to protect his privacy. When Tariq shouts, “Do you love me! Do-do-do you love me?” Kaldrick shoves him against the building, quietly says yes and kisses him. But Tariq won’t accept what Kaldrick said to Abby and punches him in the tummy. Good thing it wasn’t a kick to his groin, or else what would Kaldrick hold when he’s swaggering down the street?

Man, Kaldrik needs to relax. You can be gangsta’ and gay at the same time. Hasn’t he ever watched The Wire? Omar’s name rings out.

The girl Nick did improv with takes him back to her apartment. They have sex. This may be Nick’s first time. While in bed, they listen to an Andrew Dice Clay album, but do so ironically because it is awful and they are under 30 and can’t enjoy anything in a non-ironic way. Fucking Gen-Y, I hate all of us.

Nick asks the girl for advice about Abby. He needs to know how to tell if Abby likes him or not. I don’t know if it’s stupid or ballsy to ask the girl you just slept with for help to sleep with another girl she never met.

It’s cool ‘cause then Nick performs oral sex on her. Of course she just lies there and does not make a sound.

A female pron director speaks with Alicia in the dressing room. In a calm, friendly voice, she assures Alicia that she will not have to do anything she is not comfortable with, and can leave at any time. The director offers to show Alicia around the office. Alicia agrees to it because or else she will have to return that new car.

They reach the break room. Everyone is hanging out like they work in an actual office. I wonder if this place is like The Office but with pornography employees. Like, maybe this business has its own Jim and Dwight, and the Jim guy pulls pranks like sticking the Dwight guy’s dildo in a jello mold.

They even have an office raffle and invite Alicia to pick the name. I’m not certain, but it feels like Alicia is joining some sort of religious cult.

The director introduces Alicia to this other blonde girl named Mandi. The two hit it off, so well that they decide to do a girl-on-girl together.

Connor heads back to the motel apartment, where he finds Abby crying and comforts her. Connor makes a joke about how Abby is crying over Mansur, the name he gave to the baby Abby would have had with him were it not for taking Plan B.

Connor wonders out loud why he and her are not together. Abby points out because she caught him having sex with the blonde girl he works with. “I’m not even into blondes,” says Connor. “Yes, you are,” rebuts Abby. “I’ve seen you into blondes.” Ha!

Connor kisses Abby and asks her to move in with him. He is so very lonely. But Abby can tell he is drunk and says she would prefer to stay in Nick’s place. “Nick is there for me,” says Abby, “when I need a girlfriend to talk about boys with.”

Raquel goes to Alcoholics Anonymous in an effort to save her movie. She makes (up) a passionate speech about falling off the wagon today. She even makes a dramatic exit which involves publicly returning the necklace the dentist gave her. Sure, she is not being honest with AA, but no one I have known who attends AA has ever taken it seriously. Then again, the only people I know in AA were forced to by court order.  The dentist totally falls for her lie.

Sex time!

Raquel and the dentist have sex. She feels guilty about using him to get her movie made. Also, he has saggy old man balls.

Alicia does a porn with Mandi. We don’t see this, only the birthday party that is thrown immediately after filming ends. The guy who brings in the cake works with a choreographer and offers Alicia a chance to be in a Will.I.Am video. If I were Alicia, I would much rather do porn that a Will.I.Am video. You need to have standards in life, or else you are just a cheap whore for money.

“You’re my family and I love all of you,” says Mandi to everyone in the room. She then offers a toast to Alicia and everyone cheers for her. Yeah, this place is a cult. They’re buttering up Alicia to get her to join. At first she’ll think every day is this much fun. But pretty soon she’ll be pressured into spending $100 on “auditing” sessions and selling cans of jam on the street.

As soon as Nick comes home, Abby embraces him and they kiss. She was threatened by a powerful man, so needs to feel safe in a tiny, non-threatening man. They have sex. Nick made out like John Stamos today!

/End Sex time

The episode concludes with Connor at a bar. The bartender has to cut him off. Then, Connor drunkenly picks a fight with a rough looking guy with an obvious and incredibly thick Canadian accent. The Canadian totally beats Connor down and leaves him on the floor with a bloody head. No way in the real world could a Canadian kick an Australian’s ass. I don’t care if the Canadian is Crocodile Dundee or Kylie Minogue. I mean, maybe Neil Young could, but he would need to be under the power of cocaine. Cocaine is to Neil Young what spinach is the Popeye. Of course, the Canadian only won by breaking a bottle over Connor’s head. Cheap shot, Canuck.