The L.A. Complex: 2.02 “The Contract”

Season 2 Episode 2
Airdate: July 24, 2012

Previously on The L.A. Complex:

Abby auditioned for a Christian program called Saving Grace despite not being Christian and most likely going to Hell for a variety of reasons.
Alicia is probably off the show?
Connor and Raquel had a miserable time together. Connor is still nuts and Raquel is still unemployed and also pregnant.
Nick was hired as a writer for The Paul F. Tompkins Show. So was Sabrina, the comic who hates him because he stole her material.
Kaldrick slit his wrists over never getting to have butt sex with Tariq again.
Tariq left for Canada. He may be off the show as well.
Beth and Simon are poor people in Winniepig, Canada. Simon was in a commercial and the director said he should try to be an actor in LA.

Beth and Simon drove for however long it takes to get from Winniepig, and finally arrive in Los Angeles. She wakes up her brother(?) and gets out of the car to “enjoy the view”. She is promptly stabbed and robbed. No, I kid. Actually, the two of them take in the magnificent, smog filled view of the city. They aren’t in Canada anymore.

We go to Abby and Nick making out, because Abby is exchanging kisses for rent. Her agent calls to say she was hired on Saving Grace. But she was supposed to be on set half an hour ago and her agent is just giving her the news now. Abby rushes to get dressed. “Why can’t I find my underwear?” she asks Nick, who is most likely hoarding them somewhere. Abby decides to head out without any panties. I am surprised she wears panties.

Outside, she runs right into Connor and gets coffee all over her shirt. The coffee must be room temperature because Abby isn’t burnt or in any pain. Saying she has no time to change, she takes off her top and is now she is running to work in a bra and shorts. Going to work topless was destined to be a moment Abby’s life sooner or later.

Connor enters Raquel’s apartment. She tells him she can’t have caffeine, but can’t admit it is because she is pregnant. Connor admits he had a lot to drink last night, but now that he is sober, still wants to go through with what he said last night. “I still want to be your boyfriend,” he says. Oh, because what he actually said was that he wanted to marry her. Maybe in Australian English “marry” means to date. The Australian word for marriage is “bingabaroo”.

Beth and Simon move into a room at the Deluxe, which I just learned is the name of the motel/apartment complex everyone lives at. Beth asks about taking the cleaning lady job in exchange for a room, but the manager says it would not pay enough for rent and then punches a hole in the wall with a hammer. He is trying to do some electrical work despite not knowing how. “You might want to turn the breaker off first,” Beth recommends. The manager doesn’t know what that is. Beth takes a look and is able to see how it is all wired wrong. Why is she so poor if she has the skills to be an electrician? Are women not allowed to be electricians in Canada? Canada is the Saudi Arabia of the Americas. Beth and the manager agree that she can fix this whole mess in exchange for the room. I think she should get a room in exchange for saving his life.

Abby arrive to the set. She is still only wearing a bra and is told to go straight to Donald’s office. He is the star and head of this whole thing and is played ALAN “LONG &” THICKE. He apologizes for calling her when she was in the middle of a wardrobe change. Instead of going with that very logical excuse, Abby claims this is a new style of top. Abby is a retard. Donald presents Abby with her contract and mentions it includes a morality clause. Oh no, Abby couldn’t even follow proper decorum as a stripper, how is she going to follow it on Christian TV? She has failed twice in a row to even arrive appropriately dressed.

Raquel’s agent calls to tell her about a role in something called Caticbear II. Raquel thinks a TV movie about “a half-cactus/half-bear who kills base jumpers” is beneath her. Not me! I would love to be in a Syfy Channel original movie. I don’t have any acting experience, but I doubt that would be a barrier to getting hired. Raquel would rather land the lead in another project, but her agent says the producer didn’t think she was “warm” enough, but are interested in having her play the bitchy sister. Raquel doesn’t want that role. She wants the lead. For someone who has been unemployed since before the first episode, and been told she is too old to get much work, Raquel sure thinks she can be picky about her job offers.

Beth and Simon go to the office of the director they met in Winniepig. He is surprised that they actually took his advice and came to LA and says Simon will need an agent before he can get work. Beth asks if he can help them find one, so he pulls a random flyer that was left on his billboard. Beth thought he would do more to assist them, but the director admits, “I gave you my card ’cause I was hitting on you.” “I’m 18,” replies Beth. So?….Is the age of consent in Winniepig higher than that? Man, she should have shacked up with him back then. He has a house. Even if it’s a crappy house, it would be still huge upgrade for Beth and Simon. Or they could have come down to LA with him and slept his office.

The workday at Saving Grace starts off with a prayer circle. Abby is wearing actual clothes finally, but a producer still takes her to wardrobe to give her some pads to conceal her nipples from poking out. Man, this producer’s duties now include making sure Abby is dressed properly every day. Woman is going to need a big raise.

Connor meets a brunette at a café. She is an actress named Jennifer Bell. They get to talking and Connor confesses to burning his house down. Jennifer says her biggest fear is disappearing. Does she mean dying? Or is she afraid of getting caught in a magician’s box? She kisses him.

Beth and Simon are in the office of a talent agent who presents them with a six-month contract without even seeing Simon perform. But the contract requires Beth to pay for headshots and acting classes, both of which the agency provides. It will cost $1200. Ah man, these seedy Hollywood types are taking advantage of our simple Canadian rubes, who were kind of retarded to come down here with no money in the first place.

Abby opens the door to one of her cast member’s dressing rooms, but sees him getting busy with the girl who plays his sister! Oh shit, they better say it was for the purposes of procreation or they are going to be in so much trouble! You knew there was going to be something un-Christian going on behind the scenes of this show, but I expected it to involve Donald with Thai ladyboys.

Kaldrick survived his suicide attempt and is in the cuckoo bin. He can admit he needs to be here and admit he is still feeling suicidal, but can’t say out loud to anyone that he is gay, even to a therapist in private. He has to take part in group therapy; it’s an all-male group. One guy tried to welcome him here with a perfectly hetero touch of the knee, but Kaldrick flips out. He jumps out of his chair and yells, “Don’t touch me man!” and stares him down.

Then he sees an old man at the other end of the room staring at him. Kaldrick gets all in his face and shouts, “What the hell you looking at!” But this man doesn’t say anything. The group leader, a therapist with a real thick Canadian accent (according to this show, half the population of Los Angeles County is Canadian) has to tell Kaldrick that this is not appropriate behavior for the insane asylum. And the man he is threatening has been a patient here for years. He never speaks and stares at the same spot all day. “They call him The Abyss,” explains the therapist. “He hasn’t spoken in years.”

He’s a black mute? If this were a movie, it would be revealed that he has some sort of magical powers.

Why is Kaldrick trying to pick a fight with everyone here? My theory is he just wants to find someone to have a hip-hop feud with, like Biggie and Tupac back in the day. Kaldrick is stuck in 1994 as far as rap goes, after all.

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