The L.A. Complex: 2.06 “Rules of Thirds”

Previously on this stupid show:

Abby wants out of the threesome with her Christian TV co-stars, Brandon and Laura. She just wants Brandon, and he only wants her. But Laura really likes Abby.
Beth had sexual relations with a married stage dad while Simon played with toys for an audition.
Jennifer Bell caught Connor self-harming and consoled him. Their relationship is almost real now!
Kaldrick was unable to come out to his father, who wants to set him up with woman from his mission.
Nick is finally competitive with Sabrina for the TV writing job only one of them can keep, by visiting brothels with the producer. However, he still has romantic feelings for her…and she for him!
Raquel was arrested for drunk driving and fired from a Syfy Channel movie. She signed up for a reality show, Celebrity Halfway House because she needs the money.

Since none of the main characters interact, I’m going to break this recap down by character instead of sequentially.

Raquel begins this episode in the same position as the previous, with someone inspecting her body cavities and confiscating her cell phone. It’s not jail, it’s the set of Celebrity Halfway House, the rehab program for celebrities of Raquel’s level, meaning celebrities that make you sad if you see them on the street.

Also in the show is Ricky Lloyd, the dirtball washed up child actor of Canadian Goonies, who made a sex-tape with Alicia. He knows how to play for the camera by giving a tear-filled monologue about addiction, and then a second take when asked.

The producer baits Raquel into saying, “I will cut a bitch” in the confessional. Raquel objects to the producer’s intent to portray her as the mean one of the group. Except I don’t think the producer will need to work hard at that.

When they have a brief moment away from the cameras, Raquel corners Ricky Lloyd. She wants Ricky to drop the sensitive guy role he has been playing. “It’s not working,” Raquel tells him. “It’s making you look like a vagina.” She convinces him it would be better to play an aggressive role so Raquel can be the sensitive one.  Like fuck she could ever be the sensitive one. She’s trying to be Baby Spice when she is only fit to be Scary. No one wanted to be Scary Spice growing up. Not even the black girls.

Abby got her own apartment in the Deluxe again. At the set of Saving Grace, she and Brandon do an Aaron Sorkin style walk-and-talk about their threesome. Stop talking about it at work! Abby takes Brandon to her apartment so they can have sex without Laura around. He goes down on her.

Laura knocks on her door. Abby answers while he hides in the other room. Laura says the connection the two girls share “is driving a wedge” between her and Brandon. Laura is sad about wanting to end the threeway. Abby pretends to be sad about ending a relationship that scared her.

After Laura leaves, Brandon tells Abby he changed his mind and wants to be with Laura instead. Abby is kicked out of the threeway! The threesome is being downsized and there has to be layoffs.

But Laura didn’t leave. She saw his car in the parking lot and went psycho. She is back at the doorway and tells them, “Someone seems to have keyed it, punctured all the tires, and broken all the windows” We are only told this, not shown the car. The L.A. Complex doesn’t have the budget to do that to a vehicle.

Laura fights with Abby all the way down the stairs. The whole building sees them. Which would be bad for Saving Grace, except no one knows who they are because no one watches those Christian channels that are between the shopping channels and Spanish channels on the menu. Laura vows to fuck Abby up and shoves her in the pool. I wish Laura would have slapped Abby in the face with a glove and challenged her to a duel. Abby has besmirched Laura’s honor and she must have satisfaction!

Beth & Simon get an eviction notice. Beth reminds the manager that they had a deal in which she fixed the wiring in exchange for their room. “The wiring’s fixed,” replies the manager, “and now the deal is done.” That guy is a dick. They have 48 hours to bring rent money or are back to living in her car. Maybe the manager will be generous and at least let them stay in the parking lot.

Fortunately, Simon booked a gig on a TV show called Another Victim. He plays a kid who gets tortured by a pedophile. Beth watches the scene being filmed and gets angry when a gag is placed in his mouth. Beth does not seem to understand that this isn’t real. “Beth we’re fine,” says Simon being more mature than his sister again, “we’re acting.” Beth totally flips a fucking shit when they put a plastic bag over his head. The director shows her it’s a prop bag he can breathe through and justifiably calls her an idiot. “We quit!” Beth yells and takes Simon away. I hate Beth.

Back at what soon will no longer be their home, Beth tries to say she was protecting him but Simon screams at her, “You’re just mad because they were being mean to you!” “We needed that job!” he cries. “I hate you!” Simon has a good head on his shoulders. He should ditch Beth and go out on his own. She is only holding him back.

Connor is in bed with Jennifer Bell. He gets up to make coffee when he hears some banging from outside. Sounds like a raccoon. That’s why you need a strong lid on your garbage can. A strange man enters and Connor attempts to knock him out with a pepper grinder. The two tussle until Jen breaks them up. He’s Eric, a drunk who Connor assumes is her real boyfriend. “That’s my husband,” explains Jen. “You want breakfast?”

They filed for divorce last year, but Eric won’t sign the papers. His girlfriend kicked him out so he came here to sober up. Jen has to leave for a meeting with David Lynch, so Connor is left to babysit him until she returns. Of course, they do not get along.

Connor catches Eric going through her stuff. They fight again. This is like the when Luke fought Darth Vader the first time. Jen is like Yoda, old and wise, and is building Connor into a man. I guess. Anyway, Eric just wanted an old wedding band. He tells Connor she was the best thing to ever happen to him but he drank that away.

Jen comes home to hear what sounds like fighting, but they are bros now and are just playing a video game. “Connor kicked my ass and earned my begrudging respect,” explains Eric. Jen cannot comprehend how they can be friends. Men can get into a fistfight (twice) but still be buds at the end of the day. But women will hate each other for years and years over some minor slight involving insulting someone’s shoes or some other stupid shit and never get over it.

Kaldrick continues to ditch recording to spend time with his father at his mission. Papa Kaldrick gets Kaldrick to go to lunch with a young woman he wants his son to date. But Kaldrick makes gay eyes with a waiter, who slips Kaldrick his number on a matchbook.

Kaldrick needs to show the woman that he is interested in her, so kisses her. But it’s weird overdone smooching that ends up looking like the way your dog licks your face when you haven’t been home for a long time.

Later, Kaldrick calls the number. He and the waiter talk in code like there are in the mafia and know the phones are tapped. They make plans to meet for gay times, Kaldrick doesn’t go through with meeting him and instead burns the number.

There is also some dialogue between Kaldrick and the woman about having to choose a direction to take. The writers thought they were really clever to include it.

Nick spent the night at Sabina’s. When he wakes up, he finds he is late for work, Sabrina is gone and took his clothes. Nick struts into work confidently wearing Sabrina’s clothes. The writers rag on him, but Nick sucks it right up and immediately starts pitching material. He should wear women’s clothing all the time; he seems to do better at work that way. Maybe he took the magic jeans that were from Sabrina’s old Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants.

In the office they share, Sabrina and Nick tear off each other’s junior regulars to make love. She closes the blinds so they have some privacy while they undo each other’s bra.

That afternoon, Nick makes a move against Sabrina. He used her phone to send sexual text message to the producer. The producer likes it. All those nights listening to him bang hookers have given Nick an idea of what the guy is into. Sabrina should turn it around and sleep with him, that would end the completion for good, but instead she blurts out “I have herpes!”

“Well played,” she whispers to Nick. “Why thank you,” he replies

After work, the two dine together (Chinese takeout so neither has to worry about the other poisoning their meal). Sabrina declares a 12 hour ceasefire so they can have sex without worrying about each other’s sabotage. This is where I would joke 12 hours, with Nick more like 12 minutes! But 12 minutes is giving Nick a lot of credit. More like they will have sex, and then Sabrina will take a 59 minute long bath. The rest of the 11 hours is so they can watch a Breaking Bad marathon together in peace. An important part of the truce terms is that they cannot use any of the chemical formulas Bryan Cranston cooks up on each other.