The L.A. Complex: 2.09 “Help Wanted”

Season 2 Episode 9
Airdate: September 10, 2012

Previously on lalalalala

Abby made a new boyfriend! He is in the Air Force, which is really the best branch of the military to be in, since none of our recent enemies have planes.
Beth and Simon had a fight, Simon ran off but came back after talking to Connor. And they finally got the money to not be evicted.
Connor met his long lost sister!
Kaldrick has been crying Tariq’s name in his sleep. Tariq left for Canada after Kaldrick beat him severely. Kaldrick needs to find the boy because he won’t be able to fuck any other asshole until he does.
Nick is a writer for The Paul F. Tompkins Show. The producer is a coke head.
Raquel walked out of Celebrity Halfway House, forfeiting the moneys he needs to pay a debt for not showing up for Cactibear II. I think Raquel doesn’t want to be actress anymore.


The episode picks up exactly where the previous ep ended. Connor is stunned to be face-to-face with his long lost sister, Charlotte. “I was a little smaller the last time you saw me,” Charlotte explains. “I grew.” No, that is really what she says. She says mom moved the family to Boise, Idaho. Also, mom died two years ago, but Charlotte couldn’t find Connor to tell him. Idaho just got the internet last year. They go his room to talk some more. Nick and the manager think they are going there to bone.

Remember, when he was little, his mom left his dad and took all the kids with her but Connor for some reason. Maybe she thought his dad wouldn’t get suspicious if he at least saw one of the kids around. Connor for years had to lie and be like, “Where’s Charlotte? Uh…she’s in the bathroom. Yeah, I know she’s in the bathroom a lot. Girls, jeez. Yeah, mom was just here, but she left for the store, like, a minute before you got home. She said she’d be there a while.”

Later, Connor asks Abby out but Abby is pissed when she sees Charlotte come out of his room. Abby is surprised when is told they are brother and sister because they don’t look at all alike. This is a meta-point of how TV families never look the same. It’s worse with TV kids; they are always blonde while their parents are always brunettes (Home Improvement, Everybody Loves Raymond). Hell, DJ, Stephanie and Michelle Tanner were supposed to be half-Greek. Did those Nordic bitches look Greek to you?

To prove they are siblings, Connor and Charlotte get a DNA test. By coincidence, they both have self-inflicted cuts on their arms. Hey, it must run in their fucked up family. Charlotte says she used to be a cutter, but Connor claims his is from a rugby accident.

Connor takes her to the set of his medical show. He pops some pills right in front of her. Connor claims they are Flintstone vitamins (which in Australia are a brand of morphine). Then he takes her to his trailer, which is nicer than an apartment in the Deluxe. Charlotte starts crying and admits that their mom committed suicide. Living in Idaho will do that to a person.

The DNA results arrive at Connor’s work that day. Charlotte mentions how odd it is that they came so quickly, and Connor replies that he paid extra to have it expedited. Now, we know that does not happen in real life, but the writers are admitting to us that they know they can’t stay within the bounds of reality or logic.  If you’ve ever handled a penny, the government’s got your DNA. The results show that they are siblings. “I have a sister and a family!” Connor shouts to the crew, which make is sound like his sister is having his baby.

Charlotte reveals she is a member of the Church of Scienetics and Connor should join. Be careful, L.A. Complex, you don’t want to get sued.

Abby and Kaldrick

Kaldrick wants to find Tariq, so he shows up at the Deluxe and asks Abby if she has seen him. She hasn’t since he left, and doesn’t know it was because Kaldrick beat him. So Kaldrick asks her out of the blue to fill in as a background singer. Over at the studio, Abby finds that there is no singing part written for her, so she has to, like, scat or something. Also, the song doesn’t actually have a part for backup vocals. This is Kaldrick pulling a George Costanza scheme to find out where Tariq is without actually having to explain to her why Tariq left in the first place. Dynasty is sick of Kaldrick wasting his time, so takes his posse and leaves.

It’s just Kaldrick and Abby alone. Kaldrick still can’t work up the courage to talk about Tariq. Kaldrick is going to record this album, wait nine months for it to be released, then another three months to start a year long tour he’ll take Abby on, by at the end of all that, maybe he’ll have worked the courage to tell her. Actually, he finally confesses to hurting the young man. We don’t hear what he said to Abby because we are kept behind the studio glass, but Abby throws a fit and tries to hit Kaldrick with her girly little fists. Chicks are so adorable when they think they can do anything that requires physical strength.

By the way, I like Kaldrick’s orange vest. Very Marty McFly.

Beth & Simon arrive at the Bill Nye show. But Bill Nye is still not fucking here! The L.A. Complex better not be using Bill Nye’s name just to increase their terrible ratings. A production assistant says all the parents must leave for the day and pick their kids back up at 3pm. Beth doesn’t want to leave Simon alone, so both Simon and the assistant have to tell her to get the fuck out.

Back at the Deluxe, a blonde teenager by the pool asks Beth for help studying for her SATs. “You look possibly Asian, you must knows smart things.” Meanwhile, those two wannabe screenwriter neighbors argue after Ellen Page pulled out of the movie they wrote. So the wannabe who is white and has a thing for Beth joins her and SAT girl. Beth surprises them by knowing all the answers because she memorized the dictionary as it was the only book they had in her house growing up. White Wannabe says that is the saddest thing he has ever heard. I guess he never heard of the Holocaust!

White Wannabe pushes Beth into the pool as a flirtatious move, and then the apartment manager pushes Wannabe in for the same reason. The two have some sexy pool time and kiss and then go to her apartment to have sex.

Simon knocks on the door. Wannabe tries to hide. Beth forgot to pick him up at 3, so the production assistant gave him a ride. “You got into a car with a stranger!” Beth yells (who by the way is wrapped in a bed sheet). Beth thinks every person in this city is a potential child killer. The production assistant can’t believe what an asshole Beth is.

Simon, being more mature than his sister, tells Beth she needs time for herself. White Wannabe kicks Black Wannabe out of their apartment so Beth can come over to have more sex. Black Wannabe is pissed, probably because they share the same bed.

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