The Top Ten Things in the Tanner Household that Don’t Belong Inside a House

Hey cooking fans, what do you get when you take three precocious girls, a hug loving dad, a wacky comedian, a cool rock star, his wife, a couple more kids, a wacky neighbor and a dog? You get the greatest most daring family sitcom in the history of the universe. While the house in Full House sure was full of people, love, and comedy, it was also full of much more. Through the seasons alot of things ended up in that house. Things that do not belong in a house. Here are the top ten.

10. Michelle’s Pool

What happens when a spoiled little princess decides that she wants to go for a swim but its too cold outside? Well in this case she brings her kiddie pool into the kitchen!

Its never quite explained why this is a problem. The kitchen does have tile floors, so its not like the water is going to make much of a mess if it spills, but it sure riles up Danny when he steps in it! Sure he should probably look where he walks since that could have been Michelle’s head he just steeped on but that doesn’t stop him from punishing her for the first time, even if its pretty impressive she was able to fill up a kiddie pool without access to a hose or even being tall enough to reach the sink

9 Trains

Danny Tanner loves his daughters but always wished he could have a son. Well when Nikki and Alex were born his wish came true! Sort of. Unfortunately he was only an uncle, one who could never compete with their father. Then his chance came. With Jesse busy with his new band Big Daddy and the Monkey Puppets and Becky overwhelmed with something it was Danny’s time to shine! Except he might have tried a little too hard when he indulged the twins love of trains with a train set large enough for them to ride. It surely made Becky’s miniature trains she had brought for the twins look inadequate.

 

Many people joke about how the males on Full House are gay because they are a group of men who live in San Francisco. Nobody points out the episode where Danny has young boys on trains riding between his legs as he “pretends” to be a “tunnel” and later gets in the bathtub with them. That is because it is very uncomfortable. Oddly enough this isn’t the first time multiple males bathed together on camera.

8. Little Richard

Would it be considered racist that every black guest star is introduced as a relative of a very minor character on the show? Almost implying that all black people are related? Probably not. Large portions of that statement might not even be accurate. However, when Michelle’s black friend’s crazy uncle shows up and you see its Little Richard you know you don’t want him in your house. Little Richard enjoys spending his time yelling, dancing erratically and may have been the reason Jodie Sweetin’s arm was in a cast.

 

 

7. A Horse

Like all girls on television D.J. loves horses. Her dream is to own a horse. Well wouldn’t you know it she gets that chance! Using her apparently very ample allowance money D.J. is able to buy a horse but finds herself unable to pay for boarding when Kimmy uses the money she was suppose to contribute to the arrangement to buy clothes. Kimmy’s early gimmick was that she was really into fashion. She never wore anything that wasn’t hideous, but neither did anybody else on the show. Later she dropped the fashion angle and turned into a female version of Steve Urkel (not to be confused with the actual female version of Steve Urkel)

With nowhere to turn for additional funding D.J. depressed takes her horse for one last ride. For reasons not entirely explained she rides the horse to her house, one assumes down some fairly busy streets. Then at her home the horse followers D.J. inside when she goes to get it a carrot. Suddenly a cat and mouse game develops as the family tries to hide the horse from neat freak Danny, who would surely freak if he saw a horse in his freakishly clean living room.

You could say that by coming into the house that horse too the entire family on one wild ride!

 6. A Donkey

When Michelle makes hundreds of dollars selling lemonade what would be even more irresponsible then taking her to the candy store to spend it? Why stopping on the way to the candy store to buy a donkey of course! Yep that’s right, Kimmy Gibbler, that wacky neighbor once described as being a female Steve Urkel, assisted Michelle in buying a donkey! What an ass!

Without any way of getting rid of the mule until the next day the Tanners were then tasked with keeping the animal quiet, lest their neighbor, the one who helped buy the donkey, make a noise complaint. What shenanigans! The only way to appease the beast of burden was to keep it in the living room where Uncle Jesse sang the Three’s Company Theme song to it all night.

The episode “You Pet it You Bought It” was based on an original work by Wendell Berry.

5. A Birthday Party for Dogs.

How do you celebrate your dog’s birthday? You don’t because it is a dog and it doesn’t understand the concept of aging. But if your last name is Tanner you throw a party with all the neighborhood dogs present.How does somebody go about convincing their neighbors to let them borrow their pet for the afternoon? I’m not entirely sure, just as how I’m not sure how you get that many dogs together without any of them fighting or at least running around wildly. To be fair I may just be ignorant, I haven’t been allowed to be near a dog since I was eight and one tried to eat my face. If a dog comes to visit our house I have to sit in the basement until it leaves.

4. A Gas Leak

Its the best explanation for half the things characters on Full House do.

 3. A Mannequin Dressed Like Uncle Joey

When Uncle Joey first moved into the house it was so full he had to live in an alcove in the living room. It really shows how successful a comedian Joey is when the best living option for him was an alcove with no privacy in a house with five other people. He surely was caught masturbating so many times that it no longer was a big deal anymore.

During his time in the alcove you can see that Joey owns a mannequin that wears the same outfit that Joey currently has on at the time. Have you ever heard of a creepier thing to do? Taking the time and money to buy two sets of every outfit so you can put one on a mannequin sounds like something a killer in a Hannibal Lecter movie would do. No wonder Joey is so poor he has to live in an alcove, he spends all his money on clothes for his disturbing hobby. Joey stopped this practice after he moved out of the alcove. Probably the only time moving into a basement led to increased mental stability.

2. A Car

Jodie Sweeten never really got credit as a being a good child actress. You think Full House and child actress and the Olsen twins come to mind even though they are terrible at acting and spoke entirely in catch phrases until they were 10. Stephanie had catch phrases but typically only one at a time. Michelle could have been played by an anthropomorphic doll with a speaker in the chest and nobody would have noticed as long as it could give a thumbs up.

The fact is it had to be Stephanie who put Joey’s car through the wall. None of the other girls could pull it off. The drama of the situation, both absurd and somber. The emotional range that she displayed in one half hour of television, boredom, neglect, joy, sorrow, fear, and pain. The best at their craft could hardly do what Jodie Sweetin did in this episode, make the audience feel. Make the audience believe.

For those who are unfamiliar with Full House or forgetful let me set the scene. Stephanie is bored, feeling ignored by her family, who are all absorbed with their own activities. They brush her off Stephanie’s attempts at interaction, sending her to take solace in the only place she can find happiness, Uncle Joey’s car. Foolish irresponsible Joey has left the keys in his car, and Stephanie through a hilarious but logical miscommunication thinks the R stand for radio and puts the vehicle in reverse, sending her careening into the kitchen. Oh my, and Danny had just waxed the floor!

Luckily nobody is harmed by the accident, or even hears it happen, but a guilt stricken Stephanie runs away. Its only after reassurance that Danny thinks Joey is at fault. Off the hook Stephanie returns home to a hero’s welcome

Please enjoy the video of the events. Don’t worry, we’ll be here waiting for you, with the number one thing that is in the Tanner household that should not be inside.

1. A Cement Truck

After the tour de force that was Stephanie driving a car through the kitchen friendly rival Family Matters decided to try to show up Full House. To Family Matters’ credit they did top Stephanie’s escapade. Eddie not only drove a car into his family’s living room but managed to do so despite the fact that the Winslow house is not level with the ground.

 

Carl Winslow was the best character in Die Hard

Presumably Eddie either hit some sort of impromptu ramp that happened to be sitting in the front yard or he was driving the flying car from Back to the Future. Either way it the game was on.

Full House didn’t fire back right away. They needed to make sure their moment didn’t get lost in the shuffle of  cars crashing into houses that plagued sitcoms of the time. It wasn’t until seasons later that Full House showed that they were the masters. How do you top a car going into a house? With a cement truck.

It all starts with Jesse and Joey deciding to build a driveway in the backyard. Or maybe it was a bomb shelter. Doesn’t matter, it was an excuse to get a cement truck in the backyard. D.J. and Steve have had all their attempts at making out foiled that day at every turn by Danny who is worried about the fact that if D.J. gets pregnant there will literally be no room for the baby. Seven people live in that house. They’ve already had to convert the garage and attic into bedrooms. There isn’t even anywhere to keep the Christmas decorations, forget about another person. So Danny chases D.J. and Steve around the house with a vacuum.

Desperate for privacy D.J. and Steve take refuge in the cement truck. While hardcore making out they accidentally hit a series of levers and the result?

Have you ever seen anything like that before! The cement truck went RIGHT INTO THE KITCHEN! Then if that wasn’t crazy enough it starts pouring cement! And Joey is too busy with his self help tapes to even notice! The humanity! The hillarity! The excitement and adventure! How is Danny going to react? Let me give you a hint, he gets mad and its not because there is too little cement in his kitchen!

This scene cements  Full House as the master of its game. While most sitcoms can’t even manage to make us care, Full House made us care, made us care about all the wacky things that end up in the Tanner household. Just be glad you don’t live there. Between the random farm animals, vehicles, and black people it truly is a Full House.