This Man Locked Up Since 2003 is Wiser Than Any of Us

Saturday, July 20th: A Typical Episode of A&E’s LIVE PD

Since I have no friends, I usually spend Friday and Saturday nights watching Live PD on A&E. Live PD is a live broadcast that follows police officers on patrol in various counties. It’s basically COPS, but live and more boring. Like COPS, Live PD does not film in cities like Baltimore, Chicago, Detroit, or St. Louis where serious crime happens. They instead mostly show us hick counties populated by drunk white people. Because that is the high crime demographic here in Denmark.

I would say Live PD is a waste of my time, but my time has no value. Perhaps yours does and you do not watch Live PD. But then you would have missed something magical in Greene County, Missouri this past Friday. Deputy Rudderham (a lady!) spots a white man sitting on a rock by the side of the road. Being a police officer is very dangerous. You constantly have to deal with people who are sitting in public, minding their own business. You never know how bored or tired they may be!

The first thing you would have noticed is this man looks like J-Roc from Trailer Park Boys. He is down on his luck. “My chick,” J-Roc tells Deputy Lady, “she just kicked me out of the house.” So he came here to have a quiet place. The fight was over a girl. “I’d probably kick you out too,” says Lady Deputy, imagining herself as his girlfriend. But here’s the thing: there was no other girl! His girlfriend thinks he was talking to a girl when he was not.

J-Roc shows Lady Deputy his phone, allowing her to read all the drama. A male cop would look through a suspect’s phone to find illegal activity, but Lady Deputy wants to scroll through his Facebook feed to learn about the breakup. J-Roc also tells her that his cousin is sleeping with his ex, and his current girlfriend is threatening to do so too! Now Lady Deputy is going to spend the rest of her shift interrogating him about all of this (she’ll just write in her paperwork that she thought he had meth). J-Roc says he loves his girl and wishes she was stop calling him stupid. Lady Deputy not so subtly advises J-Roc to find somebody else. 

Live PD then cuts to El Paso, where a drunk Mexican is causing trouble. However, this is not good media optics, so we are sent back to Greene County to watch the white man who isn’t doing anything wrong.

J-Roc tells the deputy, “This social media shit is crazy.” J-Roc reveals that he has been in prison since 2003 and was released just two months ago. Which explains why he is dressed like Slim Shady. Those are the clothes he was arrested in. Social media was not a thing before he was locked up and he is confused by it. But he knows it is nothing but trouble.

“To anyone who’s got Facebook,” J-Roc says, speaking directly to the camera, “just shut it off.” Deputy Lady asks if he has Twitter, because she does, and J-Roc replies that he doesn’t even know how that works. “I don’t even want to Tweet nothin’,” J-Roc says, expressing the contempt Twitter deserves.

J-Roc wants to go back to simpler times. He says that from now on, he will hand out stamps and tell people to write him letters. It appears that his phone might even be a Blackberry with a physical keyboard. Which means he doesn’t deal with silly apps, either. But even that’s too much technology. J-Roc wants a simple phone that only takes calls. Lady Deputy is totally aroused because J-Roc reminds her of her high school boyfriends. The segment ends for a commercial break before Lady Deputy can ask J-Roc to fuck her in her patrol car to Kid Rock music. Bawitdaba, da bang, da dang diggy diggy

That segment went on for a long time for Live PD. I bet every other cop the cameras were following was busy arresting a black or Hispanic male, so the control room wanted to stay with the white ex-con complaining about technology. But J-Roc is 100% correct. Social media shit is crazy. It’s not good for you. I know I feel better when I take a long break from Facebook, and I’m sure you do too. J-Roc knows this because he is pure and untouched by the addicting nature of Facebook and Twitter. He is a time traveler, sent from 15 years in the past to warn us in the present.

Look at what social media has done to our president. Trump lashes out at people on Twitter like he’s a teen girl who was told she has a fat ass. And it’s not like Hillary was any better with technology. She spent 20 years running for president, lining up donors and endorsements, listening to focus groups, only to lose it all because she couldn’t handle more than one email account. She had a multi-million dollar online campaign that was beaten by 4chan, as a prank!

So let us all be more like J-Roc. Let us throw off the burdens of our Facebook and Twitter accounts, Let us communicate through pen and paper, and simple, rather than so-called “smart” phones. Let us find a quiet rock off the road to sit and ponder the world as it could be. Let us party like it’s the early 2000s again. Other than 9/11, those times were rad.