Victorious: 1.08 “Survival of the Hottest”

Victorious is a show by the man who created iCarly and set in the same universe. So this show is part of a universe where adults will log on by the hundreds of thousands to watch a webshow where two teenage girls jump up and down. That’s disgus…well, I suppose that happens all the time in our universe as well.

Anyway, Victorious is about a group of teens who attend a high school for the performing arts in Hollywood. They take classes on acting and stage direction and writing music and the like. They do not appear to take any classes on history or math or science or anything that would be a requirement to graduate from a real high school. Hollywood Arts High School must be some unaccredited scam school run by the University of Phoenix. These kids had better hope they all make it in show business, or they are going to be as well prepared for life as those guys who only go to college to play football, get drafted into the NFL and then are dropped after two years.

On the subject, I find it so funny that the University of Phoenix company bought the naming rights to the football stadium where the Arizona Cardinals play. Because they only did it to trick people into thinking that the university actually owns the stadium and an NFL team is renting it, despite the University of Phoenix having neither a football team nor a real school.

Season 1 Episode 8
Airdate: June 26, 2010

The city is in the middle of an extremely hot day. You think that anyone who lives in Los Angeles would be used to, but the kids complain like it is the end of the world or the nearest bookstore was all out of copies of the next Harry Potter.

“I am so hot,” whines Tori Vega, the lead character of the show.

“Ain’t that the truth,” cracks the puppet belonging to Rob, the spazzy Jewish boy. Rob is a ventriloquist who takes his look-a-like puppet with him everywhere: school, friend’s homes, Passover dinner. Rob treats the puppet like a living person at all times, even getting into arguments with it. The co-dependent relationship Rob has with his puppet is the most disturbing part of this show. The puppet acts like Rob’s id and will blurt out opinions or confessions that Rob is too timid to say himself. I attribute this to an incredibly messed up home life that the puppet occasionally gives us hints about, and then Rob will tell it to shutup. It’s as if Rob is crying for help. I await the episode where Rob has a nervous breakdown and his puppet tells him to take a gun to school.

Rob checks the weather on his “Pear Pad”, which is a comically oversized version of the iPad. Take that Apple! In this show’s universe (as well as iCarly), everyone uses Pear brand computers instead of Apple. This is an opposed to most TV shows, where everyone uses Apple computers, even in offices. According to Rob it is 103°. I assume 103° Fahrenheit. If it was 103° Celsius, everyone would be dropping dead.

I wish it was 103° Celsius.

“Hi,” says Cat, the red-haired Jovial Retard. “I’m really hot but I’m still in a good mood.” Cat is always in a good mood.

Tori notices that Jane is not sweating. Jane is the gothy girl who has an intense hatred (due to jealousy) towards Tori. Tori feels all around Jane’s body but does not find a single drop of sweat.

“Having fun there?” asks Jade, who then says she does not sweat because it is gross.

Andre the black kid comes by. He made money today renting out a kiddie pool.

Sinjin, their classmate, is enjoying it. He is the weird kid on the show. Mind you, he’s no Chocolate Boy, which is further evidence that Nickelodeon is not as good as it used to be. The kids see that he is face down in the pool. No one wants to give him mouth-to-mouth, but he manages to live anyway. Which is good, or else he would have been in 1000 Ways to Die, Spike TV’s attempt to do the Darwin Awards but not pay that website for the rights.

Time for the theme song. It’s sung by Tori and about how you can become famous if you follow your dreams and are hot.

The show often introduces scenes with a Twittter-like text by Tori. What is weird is that this phone is iPhone shaped. But Tori, and everyone else, always carries around pear-shaped phones. WHAT IS UP WITH THAT???!!!

The kids head to the beach. Beck hitched his RV to his pickup truck and drove them. Beck is the hot Latin boy of the bunch, their very own AC Slater. I don’t know if he is Italian or Mexican. I’m not Italian, but if I was, I would feel a little offended that my people had to share a language and names and the Roman Catholic Church with Mexicans. I mean, the Italians and Hispanics were enemies in West Side Story, after all. It sucks when you work hard to be white and vote Republican and not join the mafia as much anymore, but still have the Latin thing around your neck. It’s probably why the politician in this country who is the most virulent against illegal immigrants is a sheriff with the last name Arpaio. He just wants to make sure everyone is clear that Italians are in a different category. “You know, when you get right down to it, we’re really more like the Dutch than anything.”

As soon as Beck opens the RV door, Cat the Jovial Retard runs away looking for a place to pee. Just jump in the ocean, you silly goose.

Beck explains that he lives in this RV and has it camped on his parents’ lawn. His parents bought from a rapper named Phat Biscuit.

“At least you have parents,” says the puppet (Rob).

“Hey,” replies Rob (to himself), “some things are private.” I told you!

Here’s the problem. The kids find that they are suddenly trapped inside. We see that another large RV has parked beside them and is blocking their only door. Why does everyone take RVs to the beach? The windows don’t open as they are tinted and bulletproof due to Phat Biscuit’s involvement in the TuPac/Biggie feud. And the RV has no back door for plot reasons.

On the beach, Cat meets a group of boys who invite here to hang out with them just “for a few minutes.”

Back at the RV, the kids are waiting for Cat to return and get them out of here. When she does not make it back quickly, they try to call her. Of course they get no signal in there. Also, the AC cannot be turned on because it only works if the truck is running. Also, the truck is where all the water is. This is stupid of the kids, but still believable as teenagers are rarely mature enough to plan more than five minutes ahead.

Back to Cat, she is in a squirt gun fight and the four boys soak her at the same time. They totally bukkake her with squirt guns. My goodness! This is certainly not my Nickelodeon. No, sir.


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