This is the Watership Down critic. I watch Watership Down so you don’t have to. I’ve given up a lot of things to review episodes of Watership Down, time, money, dignity but do I regret it? Yes I do.
We start the episode with rabbits using Hawkbit as a stepping stone to jump over a log under the pretense of military exercise. The log isn’t very tall or long. I think they could go over it or around it without many problems. They just want to cause Hawkbit pain. I’m not exaggerating either when I say the camera angle makes it look like they are sodomizing him. Look at this montage I put together:
What is wrong with the animators?
Hazel is watching the military demonstration and is quite satisfied. He is even more satisfied when the rabbits are able to sneak up on him. I was left unimpressed. Before they snuck up on him Keehar came swooping in while screaming. Who can‘t sneak up on somebody whose being distracted by a dive bombing seagull? That goes for anybody not just rabbits. A sumo wrestler wearing squeaky shoes could sneak up on somebody if they’re trying to not get hit by a seagull.
Beaming with pride Bigwig says that their Owsla is one of the best. After hearing that claim, and seeing them in action, Hazel decides its time to take his army back to Efrafa to free those who are being held captive. This puts Bigwig in an awkward position. He knows the Owsla is not one of the best. They are at most average. He was just talking a big game. Now he either has to go back on his statement or end up getting killed by Woundwort. This is Bigwig we are talking about, so of course he would rather get ripped to shreds then admit he is wrong. Off to Efrafa!
Hey! How could a rabbit even get up there?
Campion and Vervain are getting chewed out for not tracking down Hazel and the rest of the others. Campion tells Woundwort that they got as far as the woods but it was already four o’clock, on a Friday no less, so they stopped for the day. Then when they came in on Monday the server went down so they spent all day with that problem, then on Tuesday there was the mandatory sensitivity training so they never got another crew out to continue tracking Hazel. Woundwort says to double the patrols until Hazel is found, and also casual Fridays are cancelled.
Primrose overhears the meeting and tells Blackavar that this is a good time to try to escape since there will be fewer guards to watch them if they are all trying to find Hazel. Blackavar agrees very loudly. Blackavar can’t say anything without yelling. He also has a retarded haircut and might be Irish. Blackavar is a fucktwat.
Vervain and Campion walk by Primrose and Blackavar. Vervain is a terrible gossip and mentions that Primrose and Hazel have the hots for each other. This is upsetting for Campion since he has the hots for Primrose. The fact that I not only know all of this but care makes me sad. Vervain says Primrose needs to be watched closely while making the biggest pervert face ever. He will make sure she does not do anything sneaky while in the shower giggity giggity giggity.
Hurray its another meeting scene! That’s two in the last three minutes. Hazel is looking for volunteers to go rescue the captives from Efrafa. Everyone but Hawkbit is willing to go. Hawkbit is fairly vocal about how much he does not want to go. Hazel hates Hawkbit so he makes him come along while leaving behind a couple of rabbits who actually volunteered. Hazel is bringing Hawkbit because he is sick of Hawkbit’s negativity. If the Efrafans are chasing them and it looks like they will be captured he is going to knock Hawkbit over and hopefully the pursuers will stop to kill him allowing the others to escape. At least I wish that’s why Hazel chose to bring him. It would make Hazel look a lot more bad ass. Truth is they probably brought him in case they need to jump over a log or something.
Primrose and Blackavar are planning on escaping by digging a tunnel out of Efrafa. I’m surprised this isn’t the first thing they tried to do when they decided they wanted to escape. Rabbits are very good at digging and they are trapped in a place with walls made out of a diggable substance. It just seems logical.
Vervain is doing rounds and comments on how dirty Primrose is. She covers by saying she has no reason to clean herself if she is living under tyranny. Vervain forces Primrose to clean herself while he watches. This is fucking creepy. Like, I know their rabbits so its not like she’s nude or something since they don’t ever wear clothes but somehow forcing somebody to clean themselves and being turned on by it but not being turned on by the nudity is even creepier then forcing somebody to clean themselves just so you can see them naked. Vervain then tells Primrose that he hopes she runs away again so that he can catch her and make her scream. If there’s one thing children‘s shows need more of its threats of rape.
While traveling to Efrafa Hazel stops to ask Fiver if he is having any of his wacky visions which could give them insight into how soon they are going to be killed by the far more competent Efrafa army. Fiver says all he can see is a “grey mist of possibilities” which is a phrase I’m going to steal. Hey Johnny you busy this weekend? I don’t know, my future is a grey mist of possibilities. Hey Johnny who do you think is going to win the big game on Sunday? I don’t know all I see is a grey mist of possibilities. Hey Johnny are you going to actually get some work done or are you just going to sit there writing shit for your gay little website all day? I don’t know boss all I see is a grey mist of opportunities.
Hazel yells at Fiver for not being able to tell the future but immediately apologizes. This is why he isn’t as good at getting people to do things by yelling at them as Bigwig is. Bigwig never apologizes. If he realizes he is in the wrong he just yells more. Hazel is feeling down because he promised to get Primrose and Blackavar out of Efrafa and now everybody is risking their lives to do it. He shouldn’t feel too bad though, its not like rabbits have much else to do. They don’t have the internet, so its either risk your life for an ideal or just sit around all day nibbling grass.
Vervain is angry. While Primrose is following all the rules he suspects her spirit hasn‘t been completely broken. In fact she’s being pretty damn smug. Vervain has learned the hard way that saying your going to rape somebody only works for so long. If they start to think you’re not going to go through with the rape they stop being scared. At that point you either have to go through with the rape or find a new way to make them fear you, like by stabbing them with a screwdriver. Vervain doesn’t have a screwdriver so he’s just going to smack a bitch but then Woundwort calls him and Campion over for a performance review.
Woundwort asks Campion and Vervain why they aren’t out looking for Hazel. Campion explains that union regulations state they have to take a 30 minute break for every five hours work and they both happened to brown bag their lunches today so they decided to eat in the break room. Woundwort tells them to continue the patrols and the union can fuck themselves. Woundwort knows the union is low on funds so this is the time to put on the pressure. If he forces them to try to strike there is a good chance the union will completely collapse. Woundwort is evil indeed.
As an aside, during these Woundwort scenes there is this sound in the background that sounds like something growling. Its not Woundwort himself because his mouth is closed. Either its part of the music or there is a tiger nearby. I’m not sure yet.
When the head out on patrol Campion sees Keehar randomly flying around and comes to the conclusion that something is about to go down. He points out that Keehar only shows up when Hazel’s krew is on their turf looking for a rumble. Vervain disagrees. He then shows exactly how racist he is by saying all gulls look alike. Really Vervain, in this day and age you think that is an appropriate comment? Vervain tries to claim he isn’t racist by claiming his best friend is a weasel but I don’t believe him, not at all.
Our heroes end up running from a fox. Unlike the fox from Persona 4 this one is not wearing a cute little apron. Hazel finds a cavern underneath a nearby waterfall and everybody but Bigwig hides in there. Bigwig thinks squishing into a cave with a bunch of guys (and Blackberry) is “totally queer” and takes his chances running from the fox. It works out pretty well in the end. Bigwig runs into the Efrafa patrol but the fox eats them. So not only is the fox threat neutralized but a couple of assholes got their cummupends.
Bigwig returns to where the other, less brave, rabbits where hiding and probably peeing themselves. They were hiding and peeing like the cowards they are. Not like Bigwig who braved the horrors of being chased by a fox for no real reason. Hazel thinks that Bigwig running off the fox was too dangerous so Bigwig goes off like Denis Leary’s character on Rescue with a intense rant about how Hazel wants to world to be safe and filled with rainbows but it isn’t its filled with danger so you take danger by the horn and toss it aside while going all nuts on it while drinking and having sex without removing your pants. Also 9/11. Bigwig then orders everybody to continue to Efrafa, but then he says “Unless you think its too dangerous” in a totally condescending way that disses Hazel. This is an awkward moment for those who aren’t Hazel or Bigwig since they are just sort of sitting there while Hazel gets yelled at by a person who is suppose to be his subordinate
Keehar was suppose to meet the bunnies at the old plank bridge that was destroyed a couple of episodes back. Keehar wasn’t there though, as it no longer exists. Instead he hung out at the stone bridge. Hazel is irritated that Keehar left them hanging at the other no longer existing bridge but Keehar doesn’t care. He tells Hazel to fuck off and just cross this bridge while he eats fish.
On the other side of the river the rabbits hide out beneath the bridge. Here the men folk have an argument about the nature of the raid. Hazel thinks that they need sound exit strategy before they move any further as there is evidence that patrols are watching the bridges so if an alarm is raised while they are trying to make an escape they could get trapped without a clear rout to the bridge. Bigwig thinks making plans is for pussies.
Blackberry doesn’t join the argument, she just figures out a solution. They’ll just escape on the boat that’s conveniently moored below the bridge. Hazel wants to tell Bigwig that the raid can be put into action but Bigwig has wandered off like a kid at the mall who isn’t wearing one of those toddler leashes. The patrol returns from their coffee break so now the Downers have to hide out below the bridge or risk confrontation.
In Efrafa Primrose has finished her escape tunnel. Unfortunately like the Italian in the big penis competition it has come up short. The tunnel exits about three feet from a guard who luckily was looking the other direction when she poked her head out of the ground. Blackavar wants to keep digging but Primrose thinks they just need to make a break for it. Also Blackavar is still shouting everything he says. I don’t know how more people don’t know about this secret plan.
Next door Woundwort is giving Vervain a yell-down-war-hell-ride. Earlier when Vervain found out there was a fox about he ran home rather then stick around and wait to be eaten, which is what happens when rabbits encounter foxes. Woundwort finds Vervain guilty of desertion in the face of the enemy and is about to deal out the only punishment he believes in, death, when Campion steps in and says he sent Vervain back. Woundwort doesn’t believe Campion but spares Vervain at Campions request.
Woundwort asks Campion for his report. Campion says he has brought in an outside Owsla member who wants to join them. Ah shit! It is Bigwig! What is going on! Mother fucker shit fuck fuck what is he thinking! Is he abandoning Hazel? Oh man its has gots to be that. Unfortunately the episode ends on a cliff hanger! Fuck man, who don’t get to find out until next time. Shit on a bagel! I can’t wait.
Rating 5 (Out of 6) – Good
A high score, but for the wrong reasons I suspect. The best bit of the episode is seeing Primrose suffer at the paws of Vervain. Mwah ha haaa!
I don’t think I say this enough, but Thank U Stars, you’re creepy. Like giving a show a high rating purely based on how much you enjoy watching a character in the episode being threatened with torture. It’s like, I think you got issues man. Big issues.
But the episode itself, good episode. Lots of fun all around. Five stars and a pizza party for everybody involved!