Watership Down: The Orchard

When the hell was the last time I did a review? I don’t know. Watership Down time!

 Hey Bigwig, I bet you can't eat all them fucking apples

Hazel and Bigwig have found an orchard full of apples. Bigwig refuses to eat the apple on the ground because he thinks the one in the tree looks perfect. There is an Aesop in here somewhere. Then a badger comes by. Badger’s are not to be trifled with. Badgers are really mean. They aren’t even predators, they just like to fuck up bitches. They do it for fun. The rabbits don’t want a piece of that mess so they high tail it out of town.

“Well that was a near thing” Hazel says when they are safely away. It is obvious the night classes he has been taking on increasing his word strength have been paying off.  Bigwig is like “That badger was the biggest mother fucker badger I ever seen G.” Then they go home.

Also Keehar and Fiver are there, listening to a story they were probably present for

At the Down Pipkin is telling Primrose’s kids a story about confronting a weasel. Pipkin confronted a weasel? I don’t remember that, maybe I need to do a review more then every four months. Hazel and Bigwig show up and report that they found the orchard but its no good because there is a badger. Pipkin thinks this is bull because he has taken Bigwig’s lessons about not running away to heart and if Bigwig wasn’t acting all out of character this episode he would have already punched that badger in the butthole, yelled at Hazel, and secured the apples.

Pipkin decides to go get some apples. Fiver is reluctant but decides to come along as well. Once they get close to the orchard Fiver tries to bitch out since badgers are nasty. He is also worried that Hazel will not be happy that they disobeyed orders, but its not as if Hazel has ever been huge on discipline. That raid he orchestrated on the farm when the dog was in the fence with the vegetables was more dangerous then this. A badger is easier to outrun then a dog, plus the farm also has that trouble causing cat. Pipkin convinces Fiver to go get the apples by using the power of peer pressure. While they are eating apples the badger shows up. Pipkin runs away but knocks over some baskets and a ladder which hits Fiver in his skull, knocking him out and possibly causing permanent brain damage. Pipkin watches from a distance as the badger carries Fiver inter her den.

Pipkin goes back to the down, feeling pretty down with getting his bud killed. The babies are playing a game where one pretends to be a weasel and one doesn’t run away. They are trying hard to be relevant to the series, and yet I don’t care. Kind of feel bad for them. Also didn’t there use to be more of them? I swear previous episodes has more babies. I guess some died. A little depressing. Dead babies and all but I still don’t really care.

Hazel and Bigwig are playing a game of bobstones. Pipkin tries to talk to Hazel, who blows him off. Pipken just sort of wanders inside. Primrose senses something is wrong but can’t pursue it because her kids are arguing about something and she has to go beat them.

Looks like a sorority girl on Sunday morning

Fiver wakes up in the badger’s den, which oddly enough has a floor covered in hay. Turns out the show didn’t kill a main character randomly in a totally non-dramatic way. Fiver tries to leave but is too weak to walk. Then the badger comes in and tells him to stay. Then the scene changes to build on the suspense. What is going to happen!!!

At the down Bigwig is telling other rabbits his Bobstones strategy. Hazel pokes his head out of a hole and asks if anybody has seen Fiver. Bigwig says he hasn’t, then tells Hazel to lick his dick since he is the fucking Bobstones champion. Hazel leaves, possibly to cry. Then Hawkbit is says “Bigwig, as rabbits we have very little entertainment but this story is still fucking boring,” and then he and the others leave.

Primrose asks Pipkin if he is okay as he has been crying more then usual. Pipkin talks about killing Fiver but Primrose wanders off before he actually got around to saying anything revealing. Then he cries some more. I haven’t seen so much crying since the last time I had to leave Chuck E Cheese.

Fiver tries to escape from the badger but can’t find a way out. I guess badger den’s are really complex, or Fiver really does have brain damage. Badger comes home. Fiver says she should just kill him and get it over with, but Badger says she isn’t going to eat him, she is going to help him. She was hurt once and nobody helped her so now she wants to help him because he was hurt. She also talks likes she is from Eastern Europe. She was injured escaping communism. The scene ends with Bock the badger extending her paw and Fiver taking it, in friendship.

Keehar and Hanna where sent out to find Fiver. Hawkbit and Dandelion where also on the search. Nobody bothered to ask Pipken who is acting very suspicious. Hazel then comes up with a plan that consists on everybody going out on dangerous searches everywhere but the orchard. Hazel thinks it would be impossible that Fiver would go there because Fiver doesn’t disobey orders. Even though leaving the Sandleford warren consisted entirely of disobeying orders. Pipken still doesn’t man up and say what is actually going on but is able to get teamed up with Hazel.

Hey Fiver, I bet you can't eat all them fucking apples

Fiver is eating apples and hanging out with the badger. He says he is feeling better but Bock won’t listen to that. Bock tells Fiver he will be friends with her “for always” the kind of friends where one friend locks the other underground and never lets him leave. Things kind of took a Misery turn didn’t they? I really don’t know. I haven’t read the book or seen the movie. I have however seen the episode of The Critic that parodies it. The Critic is a noteworthy show in the history of television history because it not only was cancelled on ABC and FOX but had an unsuccessful show on the internet. Few shows can not only transcend not only networks but mediums in their failure.

Fiver and Pipkin are checking out the orchard. Then out of nowhere an owl swoops down and grabs Hazel. Damn, people are going to think Pipkin is making a move to take over. I’m pretty sure after he takes out Bigwig and Captain Broom he’s next in the order of secession. Hazel kicks the owl in the junk five times. The owl then drops him what looks like a good 40 feet. Hazel does not have any permanent injuries.

Seeing the owl almost kill Hazel makes Pipken decide to come clean. He tells Hazel how he and Fiver went to the orchard and he ran away while the badger got Fiver. Then he cries and stuff. Hazel comforts Pipkin, but is surprisingly okay with the idea of Fiver being murder killed by a badger. Come on Hazel, when Fiver thought you were dead he got Art Garfunkle to sing a song about it, show a little emotion.

In the den Bock says she has dug another room in her den so Fiver never has to leave, not even to poop. The den is already far larger then they need, but I think it is well established at this point that the animators can’t draw closed in spaces. Bock tells Fiver how she is lonely because all the animals run away from her and all her badger friends where killed by the KGB. Bock says she knows the rabbits of Watership Down could potentially be friends with her because she sits in the bushes and listens to animals talk and they talk about how friendly the rabbits of Watership Down are. Fiver asks why she didn’t approach the rabbits for friendship and she points out that Hazel and Bigwig ran away when she tried that because they are racists.


Then she offers Fiver more apples.

That night Bigwig returns to the down. After hearing Pipkin left Fiver behind he implies he is going to beat Pipkin. Every other rabbit points out that they are rabbits and running is the only thing they know how to do, and if he didn’t run he would also be murder killed by the badger. Bigwig being the sociopath that he is does not understand this logic. Its brought up that many rabbits panic and don’t act reasonably under pressure. Hawkbit talks about the time he panicked in the caverns. Neat, continuity. That’s from the episode Lost. Remember when I reviewed that episode? I made a bunch of references to the show Lost. Fun fact, at that point I had only seen a few episodes of it. I didn’t really know what was happening on the show. Since then I have watched every episode. I still don’t know what was happening.

The main characters decide to stage a daring midnight raid to save their friend.

Fiver tries to go home but Bock stops him. Fiver tells her that friends don’t make friends do things they don’t want to, friends are cool with letting people go home. Bock lets Fiver leave with the understanding that he will come back to see her again. Well I guess thats the end of the episode, good night everybody!


Thats not the end of the episode.


The main characters are sneaking around the orchard. Hazel’s plan is to sneak up on the badger and ask her if she ate Fiver. Seriously Hazel? Thats your plan? Bigwig says you can’t reason with badgers because they are barbarian brutes. Dandelion points out Bigwig said the same thing about Keehar. Owned.

Despite Bock telling Fiver he can leave Fiver is going to hang around because he is a pussy about getting hit with a ladder. Bock decides to go out and get him some more apples

That badger is clearly a threat

Hazel, Bigwig, Dandelion and Hawkbit go after the Bock while Primrose and Pipkin go into the den to get Fiver. The rabbits attack Bock while the she begs them to stop. Really. Also they could have just gone into the den and gotten Fiver without attacking. She was off getting apples for him. Even if she was a threat she wasn’t in the vicinity. Kind of a dick move there. Fiver comes out and tells them to stop attacker Bock who is literally cowering with her paws over her eyes.

Fiver gets the other rabbits to stop beating the badger to death. Bock apologizes for being a badger and Fiver says its all cool because they are all friends. The rabbits then say their farewells and marvel how they are now friends with a badger. They also didn’t really ever apologize for the gang beating. They also all have apple. Fiver leaves his behind. Hannah tells him he forgot his apple and Fiver says he is sick of fucking apples. He has eaten enough to fill the orchard.