Wikileaks Cables Concerning the North Pole

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10CHRISTVILL119 2010-11-23 15:42 2011-08-30 01:44 UNCLASSIFIED//FOR OFFICIAL USE ONLY Embassy Christmas Village

 

On November 21 in Christmas Village, the Ambassador met with PRINCE NICOLAS XIII and MINISTER OF INDUSTRY K. BANUS to discuss preparations for the forthcoming Christmas Eve. The Prince assured the Ambassador that everything was running smoothly and gave the Ambassador a guided tour of the manufacturing facilities inside Santa’s Workshop. The Ambassador reports that indeed Christmas Eve is on track to meet the December 24th deadline.

In accordance with the NP-US FTA, the Ambassador and Prince sat down for Christmas negotiations. The Prince formally requested assurance that NORAD would observe and protect SANTA’S SLEIGH while it passed through North American airspace, which was of course granted. The Ambassador brought up the NAUGHTY LIST which contained the names of 26,452,643 American children, most of them low income African-American and Latino. The Ambassador asked the Prince to reconsider the number and suggested a figure of 10 million. The Prince made a counter-offer, 24.5 million, which was still far higher than the Administration would have preferred.

The Ambassador departed and the next day, phoned the Prince with an offer of 14 million. The Prince countered that the North Pole would not accept less than 20 million names. The Ambassador again expressed the Administration’s concern that the names on the list were heavily low income children of color who were often on the Naughty List were for circumstances beyond their control, and most have never experience a proper Christmas, but deserved one this year. The Prince declined to take this into consideration stating bluntly that it was not the North Pole’s duty to solve America’s vast racial problems.

The Ambassador concluded his participation would not result in a favorable settle for the United States.

On November 24, over-the-phone negotiations took place directly between PRESIDENT OBAMA and the Prince.

We are pleased to announce that thanks to the strong-arm negotiating of President Obama, the US has bargained the North Pole down to a Naughty List of 32,650,494 American children.

 


 

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10CHRISTVILL118 2010-06-30 11:31 2011-08-30 01:44 UNCLASSIFIED//FOR OFFICIAL USE ONLY Embassy Christmas Village

 

On June 29, over dinner at the Palace of Claus, the Ambassador raised the issue of the mining situation in the North Pole with PRINCE NICOLAS XIII. The Ambassador expressed concern over the sporadic state of mineral exports, which frequently jump between shipments of gold or silver without warning. He cited the incident of May 15, when a container ship from the North Pole arrived in the Port of New York. Expecting to find precious metals, once unloaded, it was instead discovered the containers were loaded with peppermint ore, which is of little commercial value. The Prince assured the Ambassador that he would take these concerns to MINISTER OF MINING, Y. CONELIUS.

 


 

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10CHRISTVILL117 2010-05-10 16:05 2011-08-30 01:44 CONFIDENTIAL Embassy Christmas Village

 

On May 08, over brunch at the embassy with PRINCE NICOLAS XIII, the Ambassador encouraged the Prince to adopt stronger protections for gay, lesbian and transgender North Pole citizens. The Prince told the Ambassador to mind his own damn business. That evening, PRESIDENT OBAMA phoned the Prince to personally apologize for offending a strategic ally.

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BACKGROUND

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The state of LGBT rights in The Kingdom of the North Pole is considered poor compared to other Nordic states. Same-sex marriage and civil unions outlawed as the Constitution was amended in 1977 to only allow marriage between one man and one woman, both of the same species. This was in response to a 1976 incident in which a court granted a marriage license to an elf and a reindeer, both male.

Hot gay men sex was not decriminalized until 1993, due to intense lobbying by the Hermey Memorial Foundation, the main advocacy group promoting LGBT right as well as dental hygiene. Still, sexual orientation and gender identity are not protected classes.  Having HIV status remains a crime punishable by up to 20 years imprisonment. An average of 200 North Polians cross the border into Canada each year requesting asylum due to mistreatment as LGBT individuals.

The Ambassador assured the Minister that such claims were only ugly lies spread by the president’s opponents. The Minister was also happy to learn that the president is only half black.

The Ambassador also communicated that the White House hopes the Kingdom will make efforts to adopt democratic reforms and curtail human rights abuses. The Minister agreed to take our concerns directly to Santa Claus, quote: “for real this time” as long as the US continues to veto any resolution condemning the Kingdom in the Security Council.

 


 

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09CHRISTVILL116 2009-2-11 11:40 2011-08-30 01:44 SECRET Embassy Christmas Village

 

On February 11, The Ambassador met with FOREIGN MINISTER DONNER to alleviate concerns held by the North Pole that the US president is a practicing Muslim. A day earlier, the Minister had appeared on state run television and stated that relations with the United States would be severed if true. However, the North Pole government retracted his statement hours later.

 


 

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09CHRISTVILL115 2009-02-02 09:33 2011-08-30 01:44 CONFIDENTIAL Embassy Christmas Village

 

On January 30, during a slumber party at the estate of PRINCE NICOLAS XIII, the Ambassador relayed PRESIDENT OBAMA’s hope that the Kingdom would adopt labor reforms to improve the health and safety of the Elf workers. The Prince excused himself from the room, stating he was going upstairs to play a video game, but it was an RPG so there was no second player and the Ambassador should just wait down here until he was down. The Prince did not return for the rest of the night.

 


 

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09CHRISTVILL114 2009-1-25 10:11 2011-08-30 01:44 UNCLASSIFIED//FOR OFFICIAL USE ONLY Embassy Christmas Village

 

All new members of the Embassy staff should take the time to educate themselves on North Polian customs and history. SECRETARY CLINTON has made it clear she does not want a repeat of the Niger Incident.

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LOCATION

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The KINGDOM OF THE NORTH POLE is a located at 90°North. Occupying the entirety of the geographic North Pole and surrounding areas, it is the northern most state in the world. Its capital and only major city is Christmas Village, situated directly on the North Pole.

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GOVERNMENT

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The official name of the kingdom is GONAGASRIIKKA DAVVENAPPA in the native Elvish language.

The Kingdom is a constitutional monarchy, ruled by a king who holds the title SANTA CLAUS, signifying his dual role as head of state and church. The current Santa is KRISTOPHER XII of the Clausian dynasty. The House of Claus traces its lineage to ST. NICOLAS, a 3rd century bishop of the Byzantine Empire revered for his generously and gift giving. Though he never set foot in the North Pole, the Kingdom regards him as the first Santa Claus and its patron saint. All holders of the title SANTA CLAUS claim direct descent from St. Nicolas. Only males may inherit the throne.

Citizen over the age of 18 may vote for members of parliament (DAVVETIGGE), however, the Santa Claus has veto over any act of parliament, which has no ability to override a veto . Only candidates approved by the king may run for office. The current government is led by Conservative Party of the North Pole, which is considered to be strongly pro-monarchy. The current opposition party is the Democratic Labor Party, which is considered to be strongly pro-monarchy.

The Kingdom is considered a Nordic state and a full member of the Nordic Council. However, the Kingdom differs from the other Nordic countries due to its meager social welfare net and low tax rate.

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RELIGION

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The Constitution officially classifies the Kingdom as a Christian State and requires that all laws be in compliance with the Church. The official and only legally allowed church is the Church of the North Pole (DAVVENAPPEN KIRRKO) a fundamentalist Lutheran church. CNP churches are found throughout the US under the name Lutheran Church–Missouri Synod.

The Kingdom regards itself as the true and sole defender of Christendom, and as such, rewards obedient Christians all over the world with gifts once per annum.

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ECONOMY

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KoNP has a per capita income of US $9050. The economy is chiefly made up of manufacturing, mining, and financial services. Its primary exports are toys, minerals, and reindeer meat.

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