Wrestling Pay-Per-View Posters: An Introspective

Pay-per-view wrestling events have always been a big deal. Its the place where feuds are settled, stakes are raised, and the promotion makes its real money. With a lot going into the production and build up it is necessary to get as many viewers as possible. A well made poster can make all the difference in convincing somebody to make the purchase.

This right here is an example of the best poster ever. Look at that intensity. You got a bunch of the toughest mofoes this side of anywhere just walking down the middle of the street challenging anybody to get in their way. You know you can’t stop them, they got the police, army, and navy on their side . If you saw these parade going down the street you wouldn’t think about wrestling, you would think “I better get out of here before they rape me.

Please note: Hulk Hogan’s arms are so big that Eddie Murphy’s outfit from Delirious would not fit him unless the sleeves were removed.

Can lightning strike twice? WWF wanted to find out so they remade their greatest poster ever with a few tweaks. New wrestlers are featured of course, although Hulk Hogan is still in the same spot and wearing the same outfit. Too bad the art just isn’t up to par. The Undertaker looks like he should be chasing Scooby Doo, Ricl Flair’s face is melting, and Jake the Snake’s boa constrictor appears to be a cobra. They are also walking down a really narrow street.

Years later the Royal Rumble tried to do this again. This poster seems to imply that the bus the wrestlers all ride to the event broke down so they had to take the subway. Then somebody bumped into somebody else and it all devolved into an all out brawl.

This poster could be seen commentary on how wrestlers have changed. It use to be that they could all agree to walk down the street in peace on their way to the Royal Rumble, but now they are too lazy to walk and too egotistical to put their differences aside. This is what the business has become. The old days are gone my friends. When they became the WWE they lost the F, which stood for class. They lost the class.

Wait, class doesn’t with F. I must be thinking about WCW. That has a C in it.

Don’t think the Royal Rumble is all about groups of people traveling to a location. Sometimes they simple it down. I love this poster. Sure the text nobody will ever bother reading is dumb, but who cares check out the action on the other half. Diesel is kicking Owen Hart’s face the fuck off. Buy the Royal Rumble on pay-per-view, see Owen Hart get his face kicked the fuck off.

As has been demonstrated the Royal Rumble clearly has the best pay-per-view posters. Once you get out of the realm of the Royal Rumble things start to get weird and confusing.

Like this one, what is suppose to be going on? No only is Edge being a dick by cutting the ring in half, but there isn’t even a good reason for him to have a chainsaw in the ring? Its not like you can use a chainsaw as an illegal weapon or something. I know hardcore matches get wild but you would kill somebody with a chainsaw, and the only time killing a wrestler isn’t considered poor form is if your opponent is The Undertaker.

Speaking of the Undertaker, here he is holding his own head.

I know what you’re thinking “ Sure the Undertaker has vaguely defined magic powers and all, but how did he manage that one?” Well the reality is that this was the pay-per-view where Kane debuted. Kane had the Undertaker’s physique, moves, manager and vaguely defined magic powers. In many ways The Undertaker was fighting himself, which is symbolized by him holding his own head. This level of literary depth is rarely seen in WWF pay per view posters so understandably most people didn’t catch all of that.

 

Uh-oh looks like Paul Bearer pissed off Princess Celestia.

 

Well readers, after that last poster I’m sure its obvious this article is losing steam. I didn’t even bother with transitions or even a proper paragraph. So dear reader, are you ready for the finalie? The abosutly best poster is pay-per-view poster historty?

Its back! Wrestlers walking to the Royal Rumble! Oh wait, they aren’t walking. Its very clear that The Rock, Stone Cold and Kurt Angle are strutting! They must be strutting so strong that everybody else has frozen in place. They aren’t walking forward, they’re looking at those three and are thinking “Damn check out that strut. Three times the strut for three times the awesome” Then you got the Undertaker back there in biker mode rubbing his hands together considering the possibility of starting strutting himself. He’s thinking “Now that I’m a biker and not a zombie I can also strut, if I so choose, but not right now. I’ll let them have their moment.”

Plus I think I see Al Snow somewhere back there. Al Snow was the best. Who would have thought Al Snow would ever get to appear on the pay-per-view poster? Just goes to show the Royal Rumble is the place where dreams come true.

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