Wrestling Society X: Episode 2

Its time for the exciting second episode of Wrestling Society X now featuring 100% fewer ECW alumni.

 

But what it lacks in wrestlers poached by that horrible new version of ECW is made up by one of the commentators cosplaying as James Sunderland.

Tonight’s main even is Vampiro verses 6-Suck for the WSX championship belt. As this is a historical moment in the history of wrestling promotions nobody watched famed watched Three Six Mafia are there to help call the action. As you of course know Three Six Mafia are the world famous tag team known for innovating the sport with their vast in ring philosophy as well as behind the scenes savvy. Ha, just kidding, they are some random rap group.

Fabian Kaelin says that its time for Wrestling Society X to set the world on fire and then a bunch of fire shoots out of the ring and the camera man shakes the camera in order to make us think the fire was so intense it caused an earthquake.

Our first match is Luke Hawkx verses Human Tornado. Human Tornado is the best wrestler ever.  Don’t believe me? Here is a video of him slam dunking a basketball during a match. He also has this thing where he no sells getting kicked in the nuts. Human Tornado should be a 50 time WWE Champion.

Because he is 100% Daddy Mack Human Tornado comes in from the utility room. What was he doing in there? Nobody knows. Hopefully they don’t make him change in there instead of the locker room because they are racists.

Luke Hawx tries to tie up with Tornado, but Tornado uses the power of popping and locking to escape and make Hawx look the fool. Well, as much more of a fool as you can make somebody who willingly goes by the name “Hawx.” Hawx throws Tornado against the ropes and follows up by tossing Tornado in the air and trying to kick him in the nuts, which as I mentioned earlier Tornado is completely immune to. Hawx does get some offense in until Tornado uses a head scissor to throw him out of the ring. Three Six Mafia member comments that getting thrown out of the ring by a man’s crotch has got to suck. I suppose he is probably right.

Tornado kicks Hawx into the crowd then jumps like 30 feet from the ring to hit him. The match ends with Tornado hitting a Tornado DDT, which I want to clarify is not named after him. It already existed before he came along.

Tornado’s disco dancing celebration is interrupted when that guy from the last episode who wore funny pants and wanted to bang some mamacitas, Aguilera,  comes in to beat up Hawx. Last week Hawx had helped eliminate his partner Chaos. Then out comes Alcatraz, Hawx’s partner. Then out comes Chaos. Its amazing these guys were all just hanging out near the entrance in their wrestling gear despite not being scheduled to have a match. Aguilera puts Alcatrazz on a table and then turns away to flirt with some ladies. Chaos tries to moonsault on to Alcatraz but Hawx kicks him in the face causing Chaos to fall on to the table himself. This is suppose to be because Agulera didn’t have his back, but in all fairness Chaos does really suck.

Teddy Hart and “MDogg 20” Matt Cross give a promo saying they are teaming up to compete for the WSX Tag Team Championship nothing. The name of their team is The Filth and the Fury. This might be the first time wrestling has ever referenced William Faulkner. Well unless its suppose to be referring to The Sound and the Furry. Either way we can all agree “MDogg 20” is the dumbest name to ever exist.

Speaking of tag teams next up is the first ever WSX tag team match pitting The 70s Team verses Team Dragon Gate. The 70s Team is an example of a gimmick that works great. Strangely enough wrestlers who think they are from the 70s are not entirely unique but these two are so over the top that its hilarious. I think the fact that Joey “Magnum” Ryan has the same hair and mustache as Ben Stiller’s character in Dodgeball helps. Team Dragon Gate is comprised of two skinny Japanese guys so its safe to assume they will use high flying moves and probably not speak English.

The match starts off with a back and forth of technical moves resulting in the Japanese guy coming out on the losing end to the man in a tight blue patterned speedo. Somehow I don’t think Team Dragon Gate is going to get pushed as an unbeatable force. Some more quick moves occur, at one point Joey Ryan uses an inhaler, later his pants get pulled down. His pants get pulled down in every match. One of his signature moves is having his pants pulled down and his partner’s signature moves include randomly dancing,  and Team Dragon Gate still lost to them. Suck on that foreigners.

After the match Team Dragon Gate smashes the disco ball That 70s Team brings to the ring, causing That 70s Team to start crying.

Next is a promo for yet another tag team, Trailer Park Boys. The concept is the two vaugely defined relatives of a guy I have never heard of but am told is a former world champion are unemployed so he trains them to be wrestlers. They are interviewed in front of a trailer that is parked in a parking lot in front of a building and next to a fence.  If you can’t be bothered to move the trailer into a field someplace then don’t include it in the background. Am I suppose to believe they live in a parking lot?

We’re twelve minutes into the show, which means it is time for the main event! 6-Pacc verses Vampireo for the WSX championship! I am so pumped because they have been promoting this match all night and by promoting this match I mean it was mentioned once in between promos for tag teams.

Prior to the match Vampiro has a casket brought to the ring. A signature of his, reminding all of us that Vampires own caskets. It might also be filled with guns or something. I think I saw that in an Anime once. Or maybe that was Terminator 2. Possibly an episode of McGyver.

Three Six Mafia describes Vampiro as “One big white dude you don’t want to meet in an alley” I was going to make a joke about calling a Mexican person white but research shows Vampiro is Canadian. A Canadian who uses the Spanish word for Vampire as his ring name. Sounds legit.

The match begins with 6-Pacc spitting in Vampiro’s face. Thats just gross. X-Pacc follows up with a flurry of offensive moves that clearly demonstrate that he is a shitty wrestler. The announcer ponders who really has the advantage in the match. He says Vampiro has the size and strength, but X-Pacc has a skill advantage. X-Pacc’s finishing move is jumping on top of the guy and rubbing his dick in the opponent’s face. Clearly he is a skilled technician in the ring.

After getting down treating Vampiro like a drunk girl in a frat house X-Pacc obviously feeling cocky decides to go for another Bronco Buster. This time Vampiro catches Pacc by the throat. X-Pacc counters the choke slam by kicking Vampiro in the dick. Vampiro responds with a kick to the face. Vampiro goes for the chokeslam again and is able to complete the move with his dick unharmed. However he misses a reverse corkscrew from the top rope due to Pacc’s amazing ability to not sell a move.

They take the fight outside the ring, getting dangerously close to the well dressed fans. I’ve never seen so many wrestling enthusiasts wearing business casual wear. X-Pacc runs at Vampiro and gets thrown testicles first into the ring post. There are alot of crotch based moves in this match. Despite being sterilized Pacc continues going strong hitting a tornado DDT on to a table. They go into the ring and 6-Pacc hits the 6 Factor but is unable to get the three count. Vampiro ends up punching Pacc in the balls then tombstone piledrives Pacc into the coffin which explodes. Because coffins do that. The explosion also looks pretty fake.

 

In WSX falls count anywhere. We see the ref make the three count. The announcers try to play up us not knowing who won, but it is obviously Vampiro. He is the one who did the move. There is no way X-Pacc even could have gotten on top of them based on how they fell into the coffin.

Vampiro emerges victoriously and gets the belt. The announcers say this is when the reign of Vampiro begins. I totally bet he is going to hold on to the belt for a long time. Gurantee it. And for the record Three-Six-Mafia did not perform.

 

Best Match of the Night: Vamprio verses 6-Pacc in the battle to see who has the tougher penis

Lamest Moment of the Night: Trailer Park Boyz promo. Its amazing how not interested I am in seeing more of them.