Wrestling Society X: Episode One

Wrestling Society X is weird. Very weird. It was a wrestling show on MTV and was treated exactly like that, a show, not a wrestling league, just a show. It was highly produced, had paid extras in the audience, special effects, no tours or live shows and was presented in a seasons format. Well it would have if there was more then one season. It was an odd experiment that did have potential. Storyline where planned out well in advance and the format allowed for alot of control. Maybe it could have made it if the presentation was less retarded.

 

 

Here are our commentates. One guy’s name is almost Bert Ernie and the other seems to be referencing the greatest hip hop duo in the universe. If these are their wrestling aliases then they are stupid. If these are their actual names, well there is a reason why everybody in wrestling has an alias. They promote the main event, a ten man fight to get two contracts hanging above the ring that will allow them to battle for the championship belt.

But first we get Matt Sydal and Jack Evans. But before we get that we get the ring announcer who is promoted on the DVD case as “the most hated man in pro wrestling” Fabian Kaelin. I think we are suppose to belive he was hated because he is anti social norms or something, but really its because he is just shitty announcer who does his job poorly because he runs around constantly and screams too the point that you can’t understand him. They probably shouldn’t have drawn attention to the fact that people hate him. Its like me introducing myself as Johnny Dangerous “Man with the smallest penis in the state.”

Matt Sydal is accompanied by his college sweetheart Lizzy Valentine. You know she went to college because she has a pink sweater and khaki capris, just like college girls, I guess? They probably would have hit the college girl look better if she wore pajama pants and a sweatshirt that said “College” on it. Matt Sydal is from the town I’m currently living in so I’m going to cheer for him. Also Jack Evans looks like the guy from The Offspring’s video for “Pretty Fly for a White Guy” which makes me doubt his abilities.

Prior to the match Zach Wylde joins the commentary booth because… he was paid to? He was drunk and nobody is strong enough to stop him? There is not explanation?

So I’m not going to give a play by play of the match because I’m a really bad writer. Zack Wylde does his best to drunkenly commentate on the match and actually sets up the commentators to foreshadow a storyline about Vicky Valentine being unfaithful. Overall its a good match, at the end Lizzy Valentine tries to interfere but instead gets pulled into the ring and used as a springboard by Jack Evans for a tornado DDT which sets up his 630 splash. You have to give credit, that’s more athleticism then any of the WWE divas show in their matches. Lizzy Valentine then gives Jack Evans moon eyes because sorority girls love it when you jump on them.

Next is a promo for the tag teams of Wrestling Society X. There is no tag team title, which means there is no explanation of why anybody would want to be in a tag team. That doesn’t stop WSX from having a bigger tag team division then the WWE has had at any time in the past 12 years.

After the tag team promo we see a few wrestlers hyping up the rumble. The only one who doesn’t hype up the match is Aguilera who only care is that he gets the mamacitas he is talking to on the phone to meet up after the taping. This sets up a reoccurring story about how he wants to bang instead of wrestle. Considering there is no tag team belt I can’t really argue against his priorities.

So now its time for the main event. The second match is the main event. Ever wonder why no other wrestling show is half an hour long? Probably because there is one match and then the main event. Kills the suspense a bit. The rules of the match are as follows: Two wrestlers begin. Wrestlers are eliminated by being thrown over the top rope. Once everybody is in the match they can climb up and grab the contacts. Whoever get the contacts will fight for the championship. At least thats what I gathered from Fabian Kaelin’s incoherent screaming as he runs around the ring. He doesn’t even stop long enough for me to be able to take a screen cap of him where I would probably feature a caption implying he is a homosexual.  Outside of the ring are tables, ladders, and an electrified fence.

First coming out is Justin Credible. Justin Credible is awesome. Sure he was only ECW champ because Paul Heyman knew he wasn’t going to get poached by any other league but his name is a pun and he is friends with Lance Storm who is a good wrestler. The next wrestler is Teddy Hart. All Canadian wrestlers fall into one of two catagories, trained by the Hart family or related to the Hart family. Teddy falls into the second one. I believe he is Stu Hart’s sister in law’s second cousin’s grandson. Hart throws a water bottle at Credible which is pretty funny. The match begins and Zack Wylde shows he is a true wrestling fan by referring to Teddy Hart as “that guy.”

Soon the next man, Koas, comes in. Apparently he is the longest reigning XPW TV Champion. That is a weird title as it implies XPW is on TV somewhere. Justin Credible and Teddy Hart double team Koas because fuck that guy.

Next out Vampiro. He is like Undertaker combined with Gangrel but with a name that means Vampire in Spanish. Vampiro come in and starts kicking everybody’s ass because he is big and his name is fucking Vampiro. You can’t get a much cooler name then Vampiro. The only wrestler I can think of with a cooler name is 2 Cold Scorpio.

So WSX goes to commercial, but they say they can’t stop for commercials. Even though the show isn’t live. Yeah. That sucks. During the break a Mexican guy came and got eliminated and then Alcatraz and his tag team partner who isn’t part of the match came down. As we come back 6-Pac is coming to the ring. He is either smoking a cigaret or has a giant tooth pick. Smoking before a match isn’t smart, and picking your teeth while walking is just dangerous.. Fun fact: Nobody likr 6-Pac/X-Pac/Syxx/ Sean Waltman. A term was invented to describe how fans hate him on a personal level. I don’t know why wrestling promotions hire him. I’m sure there are people more well liked that would be cheaper. Its not like Val Venis is doing anything. Go hire him. Bret Ernest talks about how 6-Pac was an original member of DX, which isn’t true, but I like how WSX is willing to bring up other promotions and wrestlers connections to them.

Next is Chris some guy who doesn’t matter because immediately after him New Jack comes out. New Jack should not be allowed to wrestler. During a match with Vic Grimes New Jack fell 15 feet off a scaffold and suffered brain damage. In a later rematch New Jack pushed Vic Grimes off a scaffold in an attempt to kill him. Like, thats what New Jack tells people. He has admitted he tried to murder somebody during a match. New Jack usually  comes to the ring with a shopping cart full of random appliances but today he only has a guitar. WSX must have spent the budget usually allocated to buying New Jack garbage to hit people with to filling with paid extras.

Random Chris dude is eliminated by New Jack and never seen on TV again. New Jack, for some reason, leaves the ring eliminating himself. Then he hits a ref with a guitar because he is mad about being eliminated, even though the ref told him he would be eliminated if he left the ring. Then he takes Chris off to beat him up some more. New Jack and Chris have a feud apparently.

Luke Hawx, who in addition to having a stupid name is Alkatrazz’s partner, helps eliminate Koas onto the electric fence on a box thing which is actually a bunch of special effects. The worst thing about WSX is that they had to use special effects to pretend people were being dropped on to things that were suppose to explode. They should have just filmed this in a third world country so there wouldn’t be laws against actually blowing people up. It works for Japan.

New Jack jumps off of a high area on to Chris because its similar to something awesome he once did in ECW.

Alcatraz gets knocked out of the ring right before Youth Suicide enters the ring. Youth Sucide is wearing a fedora so you know he is a douche.

Teddy Hart is thrown out of the ring on to a table which means the ladders can be added and the contracts lowered. I guess a certain amount of people need to be eliminated before you can get the contracts. I didn’t pick up that fact. Youth Suicide pulls a bucket of thumb tacks into the ring and kicks Justin Credible in the nuts. Gotta give him credit, kicking a dude in the nuts is a total douche move. He has earned the fedora.

Youth Suicide sets up the ladder and tries to go up. You can see Vampiro try to take off his shirt, but it gets stuck so he stops. Then Vampiro power bombs Suicide off the ladder on to the thumb tacks. I bet Youth Suicide wishes he hadn’t gotten the thumb tacks, or set up the ladder. I bet Vampiro wishes he hadn’t tried taking off his shirt since now you can see his gut hanging out.

6-Pac gets one of the contracts which unfortunately means we will see him in the upcoming weeks. X-Pac jumps off of the ladder on to Youth Suicide’s head because X-Pac is kind of an asshole.

Youth Suicide, despite all the punishment he has been receiving, climbs a ladder. Justin Credible knocks over the ladder causing Youth Suicide to fall on the electric fence. Youth Suicide is not only electrocuted but a bunch of CGI explosions are set off and the editor makes it look like the camera is malfunctioning. Wild.

Justin Credible and Vampiro both climb a ladder and are slugging it out on top when 6-Pac comes in to interfere. He has no reason to do this other then being an asshole. Vampiro grabs the contract and falls. Then the show immediately ends with no celebration or closing. Also wasn’t Black Label Society suppose to play? Did they not get the music rights for the DVD or was it just skipped because the show ran long? I guess we’ll find out next week

 

Best Match of the Night: WSX Rumble

Lamest Moment of the Night: X-Pac makes his debut